Elke Klukowsky

Elke Klukowsky (41), Milena (7), Benjamin (3 - - not pictured), and Julian (7 months)

Bad Krozingen, Germany | Oakland, CA

Elke shares -

“Between my boys I had a miscarriage. I did a pregnancy test at home, which came back positive. But shortly after we found out, I had some bleeding, so I went in to see the doctor. I was pregnant around 6 weeks, so we saw something on the screen, but there was no heartbeat. The doctor said it might be too early to hear it. So we had to wait for another 10 days, that felt like a roller coaster. The next ultrasound confirmed: no heartbeat, and the fetus hasn’t grown. I will never forget the silence during that examination. In the end, I had to take some medication, because it was a missed miscarriage. Nothing prepares you for that: labor pain, cramps and a lot of blood.

With two kids at home, there was no time to think about what was going on and what’s happening with me and my body. That evening my husband Christian and I sat down and we cried together. My husband was my support person, the one who cried with me and the one who asked the same questions. When that miscarriage happened, I just thought, I was too old and my body was done with being pregnant. But shortly after, I got pregnant again and Julian will always be our rainbow baby. When I told my friends, a few opened up about their own miscarriages, because it happens more often than we know. It is a sad topic, but we can help each other in talking about it and being there for each other to support.

I was always one of the smallest kids in class or school, and of course I always wanted to be taller. But that was never a big problem for me. So over the years, I gained a positive body image. I want my kids to grow up and accept their bodies and other people's bodies without judgment. We call all body parts by their real names and we talk about them when the kids use the restroom or when they get changed. We are not ashamed to be naked in our house. So our kids see us taking a shower or changing our clothes. And when my 3 year old son asks me, if there is another baby in my belly, I say "No, but my belly was home for 3 babies." My kids also see me and my friends breastfeeding so they know, that boobs are made for nursing babies. As a mum of a daughter I am afraid, that she will grow up with a false body image, mostly presented by the media. I want her to accept and love her body. And I hope that we can teach all of our kids, to accept other people’s bodies as they are and that they accept people who look and dress different from them.

I think nothing can really prepare you for the journey that you start as a mum and parents when you have a baby. You read a lot of books, you try to be prepared, but life is very different and challenging.

With our daughter I had a cesarean. I was sad by the time I had to schedule it, but she was breech and didn't turn by herself. I did a lot of pregnancy yoga classes, my husband joined me for the yoga birthing class, so I was sad, that all the effort I had put into the idea of a natural birth didn't work out for us. In the end, it was a good experience, there was a comfortable atmosphere in the hospital, my doctor and the nurses were really nice, and I was happy, that my husband was able to stay with me and later with my daughter for the whole time. Recovery from a cesarean isn't easy, so I really don't understand, why people call it "the easy way out". You have had a surgery, you are left with a scar, that needs to heal. Taking care of the baby and yourself is very tough, when you are in pain.

We had some difficulties with latching on, so breastfeeding started with a challenge. I had to see a lactation consultant to get some ideas what I can do better and that helped us. In the end our breastfeeding journey took nearly 3 years.

When I was pregnant with baby #2, I wanted to try for a VBAC. My husband and I went to another birthing class and when he talked there about the first hours with our newborn, I was sad, that I had missed all these first things, because of the cesarean surgery. I wanted to try to be there this time. With baby #2 I did most of the laboring work at home and came to the hospital ready to push and I had my natural VBAC with a healthy little boy. Comparing these two different birth experiences, the cesarean was way harder to recover. Also the immediately bonding after a natural birth is helping to set up a better connection with your newborn. Breastfeeding my 2nd baby started right away and I nursed him until he was 2 1/2 years old. I had the idea of tandem nursing him and the arriving baby, but with all the nausea I had again during my 3rd pregnancy, I couldn't handle it. I was very sad by that time, because we stopped from one day to the other.

Our 3rd child was also a successful, natural VBAC. My doctor had to break my water and 1 1/2 hours later we met our baby boy. I think it’s amazing, what a woman’s body can do during labor and delivery. All the strength, the power, the will for the moment to meet your newborn. With #3 everything is a little roller coaster, especially emotionally. This is the last baby for us. So on one hand, I am happy, when he starts something new, like when he started to smile or crawl. On the other hand, my little baby is growing, way too fast… All his “first ones” are the last ones for me and this is hard to handle. It’s getting better, but I felt very sad during the first months.

With 3 kids, I try to make room for the little one, just for him, and enjoy our mornings without the older kids. I embrace all the times he needs to nurse, because that is our time together. And I try to have a lot of mommy and me time without the older ones. Our days are sometimes crazy, busy, chaotic, but we wouldn’t change it for anything.

I think it is important to show that postpartum is a special time in a woman's life. A new family member brings new responsibilities, new challenges and new adventures. I wish, there would be more support groups for postpartum, for new moms and dads. You just had a baby, everybody is cheering for you in the hospital, they take good care of you, and then you are sent home with a newborn. And sometimes you don't know what to do, you don't understand what you feel or what is going on. Even with baby #2 and #3. There are a lot of challenges, that the body of a new mother has to handle after giving birth. And then you have to be there for the rest of the family, for the daily life. That balance can be challenging. I wanted to be part of this movement, because we all have a story to tell: different pregnancies, different birth stories, and different postpartum journeys. It's something that connects all mamas and that is something big.”

Kelley Payne

The lovely Kelley Payne, Rowan (4.5) and Shepherd (1.5) 

Kelley had wonderful pregnancies with each of her boys and carried to just shy of 42 weeks each time. She says that she did a lot of work during her pregnancy on her own and with her midwives envisioning the births that she wanted to have and spent time setting intentions. She gave birth to Rowan in the water and was very surprised to see he was a boy as her ultrasound tech had told her she was having a girl. And though she thought she had a high leak with Shepherd he was born with a perfectly intact caul. 

Kelley is champion of "full-term, biological breastfeeding" and very much enjoys her nursing relationship with her boys. Rowan self-weaned during her pregnancy with Shepherd when her milk dried up but began nursing again once Shepherd was born. She feels it's important to nurse in public whenever her boys ask and hopes that we as a society can do more to normalize and respect a woman's ability to choose to nurse her children for as long as they both find mutually beneficial. 

Patricia Lois

The lovely Patricia Lois, mother of Alexander (4 - not pictured) and Miller (2). 

Patricia became pregnant for the first time at 16 and chose to have an abortion. She got pregnant again at 25 but lost the pregnancy to miscarriage at 14 weeks. She is still sad thinking about that difficult time but says that it led to her ultimately meeting her husband and finding the partner that she was meant to be with.

Patricia's pregnancies with Alexander and Miller both went very well and she knew she wanted to deliver at home. After laboring for 4 days at home with Alexander, Patricia wasn't progressing and chose to transfer to the hospital for an epidural. The hospital staff and nurses were supportive and she really appreciated them telling her that she could get her baby out. There was one OB who really wanted to intervene and get things moving but she was able to call her midwives in and a well timed shift change brought a new doctor on. When she was ready to push her midwives coached her through it and ultimately caught Alexander while the OB stood in the back of the room. Miller was successfully born at home without any intervention and while Patricia had some moments where things were incredibly intense she was supported and everything went well. 

Being part of a movement embracing the strength and beauty of women's bodies as they are is incredibly important to Patricia. Our society puts so much pressure on the sexualization of women and girls that we can so easily lose sight of where our true beauty lies. 

Radiance Walker

The wonderful Radiance Walker and Caspian (3). 

When Radiance learned she was pregnant she wasn't with Caspian's father and when she told him, he chose not to stick around. She had the support of her close family members but being on her own for her pregnancy was difficult and she struggled emotionally.  On top of everything else she was coping with, Radiance was robbed at gun point the day of her baby shower. 

Radiance gained 60 lbs throughout her pregnancy and has struggled with her body since. She tore badly during her delivery and took months to recover. She says that she hated herself and didn't have a good body image until recently. While, her journey has been difficult Radiance is so grateful she chose to keep her son. Motherhood has changed her in so many positive ways - she is more patient, empathetic, and grounded. She and Caspian have a wonderful breastfeeding relationship to this day and she's working on reframing how she views herself. In the past 6 months she's been focused on finding her worth and harnessing radical self-love. 

Kate Leos

The lovely Kate Leos, Grace (4.5) and Evalina (20 months). When Kate was 25 she had a series of mini strokes or TIA's and was in the hospital for two weeks. She also had a brain hemorrhage and lost her ability to swallow for about 6 weeks. She had a series of feeding tubes, NG and then a G tube placed and had to carry around a cup to spit in because she couldn't even swallow her own saliva. Amazingly, all of this happened just a few months before she and her now husband were going to get married. Because of this history her pregnancies were high risk and she was considered to be a high-clot risk so she had to be on blood thinners via twice daily injections throughout her pregnancy and for six weeks postpartum.

Both of Kate's pregnancies were wonderful. She loved them and felt great throughout, loving the connection and feeling them grow and move. With Grace she was induced at 39 weeks to be safest with her blood thinners. She had a long, boring labor over two days and at one point the attending came in and told her they needed to do a cesarean. She said no and thankfully after consulting with the neurologist he was content to allow her to continue. She pushed for an hour and Grace arrived without complication. Kate and her husband hadn't found out their babies sex but were both convinced they were having a boy and it was quite a shock and took some adjusting to. Grace was just over 5lbs at birth and was also jaundiced so right away they talked to her about supplementing and offered both formula and donor milk. Without thinking about it much in the moment she chose donor milk and was able to continue supplementing for the first 8 weeks. They struggled through reflux, latch issues, oversupply and let down issues and at about 6 months in she was still having a lot of pain while nursing. She finally saw a lactation consultant who fixed everything right away and they were able to continue nursing until 2.5.

When Kate got pregnant with Eva she decided she didn't want to wait to ask for help. She was still considered high risk but her doctor gave her the option of going into labor naturally or being induced. She wasn't sure if she wanted to but did end up going into labor on her own and labored for about 12 hours before she was born. She chose to have an epidural again and things went very well. Eva was little but not as little as Grace and this time Kate called the lactation consultant on day three. They had a difficult bout of thrush when Eva was about a year old and many people encouraged Kate to stop nursing but she loves nursing and knew that with this being her last baby she both needed and wanted to continue through it. She says that breastfeeding was the thing she was the least stressed out about the first time that ended up being the hardest thing.

It is such a moment being at this point in her life for Kate with her girls. She initially found it scary being a mother to girls knowing what the world is for women and she admits being scared for them in some ways. She's had to do a lot of work to be okay with being a mom to daughters and wants to show her girls how important and special it is to be you, your own person in your own body. She wants to set the example for them that they can be who they want to be and despite her nerves she wants them to know they can do something that scares them, that is the stuff in life that can be really good.

Colleen Hultz

The amazing Colleen Hultz, mother to Rowan (5) and Case (2 - pictured). Colleen always wanted to be a mother but hoped she'd have only girls. She admits feeling some disappointment that one and then both of her children were boys but says she's since been able to accept it. Due to gestational diabetes, long term nausea and discomfort, she disliked pregnancy so much that while she wants to have another child she says she'd use a surrogate if she was financially able.

Colleen controlled her gestational diabetes with diet and insulin which while necessary, was quite a drain for her. She was diagnosed after both a one and three hour test with Rowan in her second trimester but after her history she tested earlier with Case and began the diet at just 15 weeks. Colleen went into her birth with Rowan knowing she wanted to be in the hospital and have an epidural. He arrived 11 days early, without complication and she was able to get her epidural however she had specifically said no to an episiotomy in her birth plan and was given one anyway.

She knew she wanted to have a different experience with Case's arrival, so she found another hospital with midwives further away where she could have a water birth. She drove 40 minutes for her visits all throughout her pregnancy and says that in the back of her mind she kept hoping that she would be able to make it when it was time. When labor began, 4 days before she was due they prepared to head to the hospital right away. As they transitioned her older son and got ready to leave she had one very long contractions she believes was transition. As they drove to the hospital her water broke and before long she felt the baby crowning. Colleen's husband had been on the phone with her midwives and they finally convinced her to allow him to pull over. He caught Case and within just a few minutes ambulances arrived to take them to the hospital. On the way there, he began to nurse and aside from a small tear they were both in wonderful health.

Colleen has breastfed both of her boys, Rowan for his first three years and Case is still nursing now. Her changes in her breasts and the rest of her body are something that she knew was coming but never quite knew how she would deal with. She's never liked her breasts and always considered getting a reduction, so watching them enlarge during pregnancy and breastfeeding took some adjusting to. She commends her genes for keeping her thin without much work but says that there comes a point that slows down and you have to work to take care of yourself. She has recently begun to exercise again and hopes to begin swimming as well. More than anything, though, she wants to give her children the gift of a mother who is positive about herself.

Traber Giardina

The tremendous Traber Giardina and Jane Ellen (2). Traber and her husband were content not having children for a long time but when she turned 30 she started to change her mind and planted seeds with her husband. They decided to start trying but decided to see a specialist after 8 months when nothing had happened yet. Traber was diagnosed with depleted egg reserves and after having a couple of procedures to make sure her uterus could sustain a pregnancy, decided to use donor eggs. They searched for donors and found a match they were most comfortable with but it unfortunately didn't take. Their IVF second attempt, with a new donor was successful and Jane Ellen was conceived.

Traber developed gestational diabetes during pregnancy that was treatable with diet and at 38 weeks, developed preeclampsia which required induction. She says that after all they went through to make a baby, all she cared about was having her baby and didn't care so much about the birth itself. The magnesium made her incredibly ill and she ultimately delivered via cesarean. Traber's recovery was complicated by an infection in her cesarean wound that took some time to heal up. Breastfeeding was very challenging at first but by they eventually got the hang of things and Jane Ellen is still nursing today, though Traber admits she is about ready for the relationship to end.

Having a picture of this moment in time with Jane Ellen and herself together in which they are both so proud was very important to Traber.

Jessica Fernandez

The amazing Jessica Fernandez with her daughters Ezra (3.5) and Nova (13 months), Jessica has also had 2 miscarriages. Jessica is the second oldest of 9 and always knew she wanted a family. Her first pregnancy ended in miscarriage between 11-12 weeks. Soon after she conceived Ezra. Things went well, but at 14 weeks, Jessica was in a car accident and severely injured her back. The injury led to her feeling very uncomfortable for the rest of her pregnancy. Jessica's mother-in-law is her midwife and she wanted to let her carry as long as possible, she went post dates and at 40 weeks they began doing all the things they could to induce naturally. Her non-stress test at 42 weeks was great with one small heart decell, but four days later she had another non-stress test and Ezra had a heart decell without a contraction so they made the decision to induce at 42 +5. Jessica was dilated to a 4 with no contractions and did not respond to Cytotec or Pictocin but after her doctor broke her water she began active labor. Just before she was able to push, Ezra had another rapid heart decell and wasn't able to come back up on her own. They repositioned her all over the bed and they were able to get her heart stable on all fours. Jessica was able to push her out without complication soon after.

Breastfeeding with Ezra went well but Jessica stopped responding to the pump at work and soon her supply had tanked and her freezer stash ran out. She began taking Domperidone which allowed her to avoid supplementation but she still felt like she had failed in some way.

Jessica decided to give birth to Nova at home, with her mother-in-law as her midwife once again. She nursed Ezra through her pregnancy and the morning before her due date she found Ezra's nursing very uncomfortable. She began to have contractions throughout the day, tried to get some rest and when her husband was able to come home  went right into active labor. An hour later she was 7cms dilated, labored in the shower for a couple of hours and was soon ready to push. She was having terrible back labor but Nova was born in two pushes with her cord wrapped around her neck, shoulders, arms and body with her hands around her face. She was beautiful and healthy and Jessica says it was the best moment of her life. It was cleansing and exactly the moment she needed to know that her body was capable.

Nova latched on after birth without issue and Jessica began pumping for her when she returned to work but Nova wouldn't take a bottle. While it was a struggle for them personally, the abundance of pumped milk her daughters weren't drinking allowed Jessica to become a milk donor. She has been able to donate to surrogate babies, preemies, babies with special needs and women like her who had struggled to respond to pumping, all of which was incredibly healing for her.

Tandem feeding has been an entirely new journey and though she feels touched out and overwhelmed sometimes she also adores nursing her daughters and nursing them together. She doesn't want to wean until her girls decide they're ready but has found the things that society has to say about her nursing a 3 year old difficult to deal with. She has worked so hard to maintain a nursing relationship with her daughter and doesn't understand why people have to say negative things about something that doesn't affect them. It works for her and her babies and that's all that matters.

Jessica has always been a small person and she says that in part due to the comments she received on her body she chose to get breast implants in her 20's. She never considered how that would impact her breastfeeding relationship and thankfully it hasn't but she has come to a place where she want's them out. She's is awaiting a consult to see if she can have them removed and realizes now that she never needed them to be feminine or to feel more womanly.

Jessica wanted to share her story and her struggles. "No matter how you come out the other side of pregnancy we are all changed and transformed. Everything is different and a new normal sets in. It's time to embrace those changes and celebrate them."

Jessica with Ezra (then 1) and 4 months pregnant with Nova.

Jennifer O'Briant

The phenomenal Jennifer O'Briant with her children Raelyn (9), Liam (4) and Oona (2). Jennifer got pregnant with Raelyn when she was just 21 and it was a quick transition from a young single woman to a married mother. She ended up delivering via cesarean after 50+ hours of later and after the fact very much questioned if it was every really necessary. She and Raelyn had a wonderful breastfeeding relationship and she was able to nurse her until she was 3.5. Her first birth experience prompted her to start to look at her options differently and both Liam and Oona were born at home. Liam arrived after another difficult 50+ hour labor and Oona surprised everyone by arriving in just 4 hours. Liam weaned at about 18 months and she and Oona are still enjoying a breastfeeding relationship today. While pregnant with Liam, Jennifer began training to become a doula and has since not only supported women in that realm but is moments away from becoming a midwife. Supporting women and mothers through their pregnancies, births and the postpartum period is extremely important to her and she hopes to continue a long career as both an amazingly invested mother but advocate and supporter of women as well.

Heather Gearing

The gorgeous Heather Gearing and her son Colton (2.5)

Heather was quite sick during the beginning of her pregnancy and lost a bit of weight. Other than that things went very well and she loved everything about being pregnant; she felt the best she ever has while she was expecting. She labored naturally until 9.5cms when she opted for an epidural due to intense back labor. Heather is a single mother who lives with her mom and younger brother and says that they are all pitching in to raise her son with a bit of an "it takes a village" mentality. Breastfeeding was something that Heather always wanted to do and expected to come easy but she and Colton had quite a rough start. She had 4 bouts of mastitis, an abscess that needed to be lanced and drained and found out at about 4 months that Colton had a tongue tie. She chose not to get it corrected and when he was about 6 months old it had stretched enough that they experienced their first ever pain free nursing session. Things went well from then on and Colton self weaned at 27 months. Heather is a strong believer in women believing in themselves and celebrating themselves even when they're not their most comfortable and she hopes to be an inspiration to others. She knows she is beautiful and hopes that others can come to know that about themselves too.