Elke Klukowsky

Elke Klukowsky (41), Milena (7), Benjamin (3 - - not pictured), and Julian (7 months)

Bad Krozingen, Germany | Oakland, CA

Elke shares -

“Between my boys I had a miscarriage. I did a pregnancy test at home, which came back positive. But shortly after we found out, I had some bleeding, so I went in to see the doctor. I was pregnant around 6 weeks, so we saw something on the screen, but there was no heartbeat. The doctor said it might be too early to hear it. So we had to wait for another 10 days, that felt like a roller coaster. The next ultrasound confirmed: no heartbeat, and the fetus hasn’t grown. I will never forget the silence during that examination. In the end, I had to take some medication, because it was a missed miscarriage. Nothing prepares you for that: labor pain, cramps and a lot of blood.

With two kids at home, there was no time to think about what was going on and what’s happening with me and my body. That evening my husband Christian and I sat down and we cried together. My husband was my support person, the one who cried with me and the one who asked the same questions. When that miscarriage happened, I just thought, I was too old and my body was done with being pregnant. But shortly after, I got pregnant again and Julian will always be our rainbow baby. When I told my friends, a few opened up about their own miscarriages, because it happens more often than we know. It is a sad topic, but we can help each other in talking about it and being there for each other to support.

I was always one of the smallest kids in class or school, and of course I always wanted to be taller. But that was never a big problem for me. So over the years, I gained a positive body image. I want my kids to grow up and accept their bodies and other people's bodies without judgment. We call all body parts by their real names and we talk about them when the kids use the restroom or when they get changed. We are not ashamed to be naked in our house. So our kids see us taking a shower or changing our clothes. And when my 3 year old son asks me, if there is another baby in my belly, I say "No, but my belly was home for 3 babies." My kids also see me and my friends breastfeeding so they know, that boobs are made for nursing babies. As a mum of a daughter I am afraid, that she will grow up with a false body image, mostly presented by the media. I want her to accept and love her body. And I hope that we can teach all of our kids, to accept other people’s bodies as they are and that they accept people who look and dress different from them.

I think nothing can really prepare you for the journey that you start as a mum and parents when you have a baby. You read a lot of books, you try to be prepared, but life is very different and challenging.

With our daughter I had a cesarean. I was sad by the time I had to schedule it, but she was breech and didn't turn by herself. I did a lot of pregnancy yoga classes, my husband joined me for the yoga birthing class, so I was sad, that all the effort I had put into the idea of a natural birth didn't work out for us. In the end, it was a good experience, there was a comfortable atmosphere in the hospital, my doctor and the nurses were really nice, and I was happy, that my husband was able to stay with me and later with my daughter for the whole time. Recovery from a cesarean isn't easy, so I really don't understand, why people call it "the easy way out". You have had a surgery, you are left with a scar, that needs to heal. Taking care of the baby and yourself is very tough, when you are in pain.

We had some difficulties with latching on, so breastfeeding started with a challenge. I had to see a lactation consultant to get some ideas what I can do better and that helped us. In the end our breastfeeding journey took nearly 3 years.

When I was pregnant with baby #2, I wanted to try for a VBAC. My husband and I went to another birthing class and when he talked there about the first hours with our newborn, I was sad, that I had missed all these first things, because of the cesarean surgery. I wanted to try to be there this time. With baby #2 I did most of the laboring work at home and came to the hospital ready to push and I had my natural VBAC with a healthy little boy. Comparing these two different birth experiences, the cesarean was way harder to recover. Also the immediately bonding after a natural birth is helping to set up a better connection with your newborn. Breastfeeding my 2nd baby started right away and I nursed him until he was 2 1/2 years old. I had the idea of tandem nursing him and the arriving baby, but with all the nausea I had again during my 3rd pregnancy, I couldn't handle it. I was very sad by that time, because we stopped from one day to the other.

Our 3rd child was also a successful, natural VBAC. My doctor had to break my water and 1 1/2 hours later we met our baby boy. I think it’s amazing, what a woman’s body can do during labor and delivery. All the strength, the power, the will for the moment to meet your newborn. With #3 everything is a little roller coaster, especially emotionally. This is the last baby for us. So on one hand, I am happy, when he starts something new, like when he started to smile or crawl. On the other hand, my little baby is growing, way too fast… All his “first ones” are the last ones for me and this is hard to handle. It’s getting better, but I felt very sad during the first months.

With 3 kids, I try to make room for the little one, just for him, and enjoy our mornings without the older kids. I embrace all the times he needs to nurse, because that is our time together. And I try to have a lot of mommy and me time without the older ones. Our days are sometimes crazy, busy, chaotic, but we wouldn’t change it for anything.

I think it is important to show that postpartum is a special time in a woman's life. A new family member brings new responsibilities, new challenges and new adventures. I wish, there would be more support groups for postpartum, for new moms and dads. You just had a baby, everybody is cheering for you in the hospital, they take good care of you, and then you are sent home with a newborn. And sometimes you don't know what to do, you don't understand what you feel or what is going on. Even with baby #2 and #3. There are a lot of challenges, that the body of a new mother has to handle after giving birth. And then you have to be there for the rest of the family, for the daily life. That balance can be challenging. I wanted to be part of this movement, because we all have a story to tell: different pregnancies, different birth stories, and different postpartum journeys. It's something that connects all mamas and that is something big.”

Jennifer Habjan

Jennifer Habjan (32), Holden (3), and Henry (8 months)

Oak Park, IL 

Jennifer shares - 

"{Postpartum body image} has been a constant battle. I was just beginning to get to a place where I liked my body, and then, BAM! Pregnant. In between, I had a brief period, of constant discipline and working out, where I felt like it was possible to love it again, but I was ducking out on family time to get there. Now, with baby #2 I have been struggling again. It is hard to not compare myself to others. Thanks to social media, I am constantly seeing others who have had kids and look super skinny and cute, and I can’t help but think, “What did I do wrong?” I try to remind myself, multiple times a day, “Not every body is the same. We all have different body types and struggles. My body tells its own story. Each spot, line, scar. It created two beautiful lives. I am healthy and safe.” Not easy, and not always successful, but it helps remind me to stop, and look again. All I can do is try.

Both boys as newborns were relatively easy, looking back. In the moment though, I felt scared all the time. Holden wouldn’t latch. The first day was so so, but after that, he refused. I felt like a failure. We tried for hours on end with no luck. They finally fed him some formula, and got me acquainted with the pump. I struggled with feeling like a failure for months. I pumped exclusively, and felt like I could never get ahead, which made me feel worse. He was gaining weight normally, but I still was pump to baby for awhile and it was exhausting. I stopped blaming myself, realized he was still getting what he needed, just in a different way. I eventually got ahead in pumping and made it the full (long) year.

Holden also had a mild case of hip dysplasia as a result of being breech. Putting him in the harness at 1 month old really made me feel helpless. Everyone says “they won’t remember” or try to comfort you, but you feel terrible. He was just beginning to sleep longer at night, then with the brace, everything changed. Every time his body would relax, the harness would jerk him awake. His feet couldn’t touch at the same time as his shoulders. He wound up sleeping on his stomach only. Everyone gave us a hard time about this, and while I understood the concern, this was the only way he would get to sleep without us holding him, and we needed sleep, too. After the first month, we asked if there was a different brace option for him, and that made a huge difference. His hips are fine now.

Henry came out screaming. With all the screaming, we didn’t notice for a a few hours, that he wasn’t getting enough oxygen. He spent his first two days in the NICU. Even knowing he was going to be alright, and that they were just keeping him there to get him extra oxygen until his levels came up, it was devastating. While he actually latched and fed from me, I feel like I missed out on bonding time with my baby. His levels came back up and he has done well since.

Going from one to two has been a constant struggle. We talked about the new baby constantly for weeks before I went to the hospital to deliver. In the end, sharing the attention of your parents with another child is different from all the talk and preparation for the reality. The first few weeks were rough. Constantly acting out to get attention. We talked about things a lot. Eventually it got better. The first month and a half to two months were the hardest. Then it just got easier. Baby was sleeping better, and so were we. We still have issues over needing attention on the part of both kids, but we have gotten better at balancing out needs. Some days are better than others. A lot of little talks. A lot of patience running thin. A lot of new gray hairs. A lot of new memories. A lot more love overall.

I have been struggling with my new realities as a mom, and now as a mom of two, and all that is coming with it. I am grateful for my kids and wish I had more pictures that showed our intimate moments. I discovered 4TBP at the start of the year, and immediately was drawn in. I am not alone. Everyone has a struggle, some battle that they are fighting. The families I saw made me happy and envious of their strength. I wanted to be a part of that. I have gone back and forth with signing up, but not the bullet. I am excited and nervous for this. I am working on my inner strength and trying to become my best self, and this is a big step in that process. I want to remind myself of the strength that I have within me and the reason why I fight to be better everyday." 

Rachel Groux

Rachel Groux (32), mother to Isis (12 - not pictured) , Ella (23 months), and Jude (6 months)

Seattle, WA

Rachel shares - 

"While pregnant, all three times, I loved my body. I don’t think I’ve ever felt better about my growing body than I have while pregnant. For as long as I am remember, even throughout my teen years I’ve been trying some kind of diet in efforts to shrink my body. So it was a surprise to me when I embraced my round pregnant body.

But, to my dismay, even at 20 with my first baby, the weight I gained from pregnancy didn’t come off easily and I have held on to more weight with each consecutive pregnancy after that. Especially with my youngest who came just 17 months after my second daughter was born. I have dimples in places I didn’t think possible, stretch marks from having three 8.5-9lb babies, and more weight than my teenage self ever thought possible. It’s a daily struggle to love the body I have. I’m grateful for its ability to grow three healthy, full term babies, but I struggle with the after effects those pregnancies had on my shape.

At 20, with my first daughter the feelings of anxiety I had postpartum came as a shock to me. My worries became debilitating to the point of almost no sleep. I would watch her sleep every night to make sure she was breathing. It took months and lots of family support from my grandparents to return to some sense of normal thought pattern.

Ten years later, with my second daughter, I anticipated the same, but it manifested differently. I became almost a hermit and had great anxiety about leaving the house. I rarely left home that first year with her. With both girls, I wished their newborn and early infant-hood away in hopes that with age I’d stress less. With my youngest, my anxiety has come in waves. Some weeks are good, others are spent at home, only leaving the house out of necessity.

Things that I thought should be effortless, like breastfeeding, we’re a huge struggle with my girls. Both struggled with latching and we ended our breastfeeding journey earlier than I had hoped. My son, came out ready to eat. We’ve had our struggles too though with tongue ties, but have been lucky enough to make it six months so far!

Motherhood has been, by far, the most rewarding and difficult experience of my life.

I want to love this body that created these three beautiful humans. I want to love my current self and not always look toward a future goal, because who knows if I’ll ever get there. I hope to capture and appreciate this moment in time that I’ll never get back.

Tracey Van Orsow

The tremendous Tracey Van Orsow with her twin daughters Adelaide and Mackenzie (4). Tracey saw midwives in her early pregnancy, she was measuring a bit large and thought that perhaps her dates were off so the sent her in for an ultrasound. They discovered they were having twin girls and though Tracey says she had a feeling her husband was quite shocked. Her midwives were unable to continue her care but she was able to find a doctor she adored who was very supportive of however she chose to give birth. Her pregnancy progressed very well and she went into labor at 36 weeks +1 day. Her doctor had recommended she get an epidural just in case she had to deliver via cesarean so she did but was still very aware of her body. Adelaide came out first without any complication but Mackenzie was breech so her doctor reached in and pulled her out by her feet. Both of her girls were healthy and were able to stay with her after their arrival. Tracey tried to breastfeed but the girls never got a good latch and she struggled with supply. She tired for 6 weeks and saw a lactation consultant but ultimately decided to transition to formula. While she still feels some guilt about not breastfeeding it is a tiny guilt and she knows she did the best thing for her family.

Last year, Tracey was diagnosed with stage four colorectal cancer and when she initially registered for her session she had a colostomy bag. She said that for a long time she felt very uncomfortable in her skin and had a difficult time adjusting. She was determined though, to step in front the camera and simply embrace her self and her story. Three months ago Tracey's cancer went into remission and she was able to have a colostomy reversal. She wanted to capture this moment with her beautiful daughters as she works to embrace and celebrate her strength which has become her focus.

Breastfeeding is Beautiful Campaign

We recently had honor of working with nine amazing women to capture different variates and durations of breastfeeding (I even stepped back in front of the camera myself!). Within these sessions we were able to freeze such magical moments in time and share some breathtaking stories: brand new babies still struggling with latch, toddler nursing antics, tandem nursing challenges, exclusive pumping, insufficient glandular tissue and breastfeeding support equipment such as supplemental nursing systems, breastfeeding children with special needs, transitioning a baby from tube fed to breast fed, providing breast milk for older, non-nursing children, changed perspectives and so much more. Whether a nursing relationship was smooth and intuitive or full of hiccups along the way, the diversity and commonalities between these women's journeys is so striking and so wonderful. We hope that by sharing images and stories such as these, we help to push the normalization and education of breastfeeding and breastfeeding experiences further. We hope, above all else, to celebrate the beauty in these variations.

Pictured, in order are (follow the links to their individual breastfeeding stories):

Claudette Garcia and Zakai (2 years old) | http://4thtrimesterbodies.com/claudette-garcia-2/

Susanne Angerer and Coraline (2.5 years old) | http://4thtrimesterbodies.com/susanne-angerer/

Leah Lichy and Ireland (5 months) | http://4thtrimesterbodies.com/leah-lichey

Megan Shaklee and Teddy (10 weeks) | http://4thtrimesterbodies.com/megan-shaklee-2/

Hillary Scharmann, Holden (22 months) and Holiday (2 months) | http://4thtrimesterbodies.com/hillary-scharmann-2/

Mariann McKeever and Malachi (16 months) | http://4thtrimesterbodies.com/mariann-mckeever/

Mayra Buitron and Flor (22 months) | http://4thtrimesterbodies.com/mayra-buitron/

Ashley Williams and Garth (19 months) | http://4thtrimesterbodies.com/ashley-williams-2/

Ashlee Wells Jackson and Nova (31 months) | http://4thtrimesterbodies.com/ashlee-wells-jackson-2/

Christine Juliani, Eden (3.5 years) and Iris (11 months) | http://4thtrimesterbodies.com/christine-juliani/

Christine Juliani

Christine Juliani, Eden (3.5 years) and Iris (11 months)

My wife and I conceived our older daughter Eden in February 2011 using a donor after several rounds of fertility treatments and one miscarriage.  I always assumed that breastfeeding would be easy so I didn’t really give it much thought.  I was induced at 40 weeks due to being high risk and Eden arrived 26 hours later.  She would not latch in the hospital so I ended up pumping, using a nipple shield, and supplementing with formula.  Once we arrived home, I continued to have latching issues despite my best efforts.  Eventually, I accepted the fact that nursing directly wasn’t going to happen so I decided to exclusively pump.  I weaned when Eden was 10.5 months old and had enough milk frozen to give her some each day until she was 14 months old.

When we conceived our younger daughter Iris in September 2013 using the same donor, I once again had high hopes that I would be able to nurse.  Iris was born at 38+6 a perfectly healthy little girl.  Once again, I had latching issues with her and decided to exclusively pump.  At a year old, Iris is having a hard time transitioning to solids so it is most beneficial that I have continued to pump.  And since I was blessed with an oversupply, we have several hundred ounces in the freezer.  In addition, our 3.5 year old daughter Eden is able to get some of the benefits of the breastmilk as well.

Initially I was sad about not being able to nurse directly, in part because pumping is a lot of work.  However, there are positive aspects about it, such as allowing my wife to share in the feedings.  

Mariann McKeever

Mariann McKeever and Malachi (16 months)

My Breastfeeding Journey began with the birth of my eldest son almost 16 years ago. I, myself, was nursed for almost three years in an era in which women, especially non-white women, were encouraged to feed their children formula. This is probably why I always knew that I would breastfeed my own children. I didn’t really see any other feasible choice. So when my son was born, I eagerly put him to breast the moment that they handed him to me. When the lactation consultant came around to help us, he was already perfectly latched and nursing himself to sleep. She said that he was a natural! This was very fortunate, because my two younger boys were not so adept in the beginning, and I imagine that if I’d had one of them first, I may have been more challenged. My oldest son nursed for about 15 months. During this time, my family was very supportive of my nursing endeavors, however, my (then) husbands family was not. I don’t think that they had anything against it they just had no familiarity with breastfeeding, and didn’t understand how to facilitate the nursing relationship between myself and my son. Unlike my family in which all of the children had been breastfed, in his family he and his siblings had not been breastfed, his mother had not been breastfed and they didn’t even know of anyone who ever had breastfed for any length of time. Still, I managed to nurse him past my goal of one year. In retrospect, what I perceived then as his self-weaning was probably just a nursing strike, but I didn’t know that then. I was a bit sad when he weaned, but it was pretty mutual.

We can fast forward about 10 years and a second marriage to when my second son was born. My current husband was extremely supportive of my plans to breastfeed. He had been breastfed, as had his sisters and he was knowledgeable about the benefits as well! My middle son was impatient as a newborn. He didn’t bother to latch properly. He just slurped away. I learned to adjust his latch while he was eating, and eventually he got the hang of it. When he was one, we offered him cow’s milk, and he refused to drink it. We tried rice milk, almond milk and coconut milk. He didn’t want any parts of any of it. I was also concerned because he refused to eat red meat. So I continued to nurse him for the nutritional benefits. I felt that he needed to have at least that guaranteed source of nutrition. This was fortunate because he was hospitalized at about 20 months with croup, (exacerbated by a congenitally narrow trachea), and he was not allowed any food. I nursed him though, and it gave him comfort and sustenance until he was healthy again. That one absolutely loved to nurse. He once told me that it was “better than anything”. We weaned when he was almost 3. We discussed it and he was okay with it at that point.

Malachi is my third son. At this point, I am so secure with my body’s ability to sustain and nurture a baby, that I didn’t have any concerns. The worst moment of my breastfeeding journey occurred with him, though. I never suffered from serious nipple soreness with my other two boys, but when Malachi was about 5 weeks old, my nipples were severely cracked and damaged. The left side, (his favorite side), was the more painful of the two, and I was block feeding at that point, so I nursed him to sleep from the right breast and I left him in the care of his dad and his brothers and walked to the pharmacy in a blizzard to get a nipple shield because I couldn’t even imagine nursing him again from the left breast without trying something to mitigate the pain. I never thought of giving up, though. That was the only hurdle that we’ve had. Yes, I still have to wake up in the night to nurse my baby even though he’s 16 months old. Yes, I had to pump at work, and yes, those first few weeks were challenging each time, but for me and my babies, nursing has been our unequivocal choice.

Shortly after my third son was born, my husband was complimenting me on my parenting ability and he said that he was glad that he learned how to take care of babies from me, and how happy he was that our children were so content and secure. I asked him what it was that he found to be most helpful and he said “Breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is huge. I wish more people would realize that.”

Aneri Bhansali

The amazing Aneri Bhansali with her son Arjun (16 weeks). Aneri and her husband were able to conceive without any complication and in fact quite a bit sooner than she had expected. It took her some time to adjust to the fact that their lives were about to change so drastically but she soon found that she loved being pregnant. Other than some sensitivities and sickness her first trimester things went very well. She anticipated going a little post dates and took her maternity leave a couple of weeks prior to her due date so that she'd have some time for herself and last minute projects before baby arrived. Contractions started the next day, however, and she continued to contract and labor at home for the next four days with the support of her husband and doula before going to the hospital. She was admitted and received an epidural but wasn't progressing so they began pitocin as well. Aneri's epidural eventually wore off so they placed another which didn't work and then a third which took. She began to feel very out of control with her body and her birth and ended up having a panic attack. Her husband and doula were able to calm her down and get her focused and rather than rush to a cesarean delivery her doctor encourage her to try yoga poses to move things along. Aneri tried a few and in the midst of one was thrilled to hear she was ready to push. She pushed for about 45 minutes and Arjun was born. He had to be taken away immediately for antibiotics due to her spiking a fever while laboring but she was reunited with him shortly there after. Aneri says she cried like she never had before for the both the surge of love unlike anything she'd ever felt and the concern over how in the world she was going to take care of this little being. She always knew she wanted to breastfeed but had some difficulty at first due to a shallow latch. She struggled while in the hospital and was very upset feeling like she wasn't able to provide for him. The following week she was able to get in with a lactation consultant who was very helpful and showed her how to use a nipple shield. Arjun also had a lip tie release a month later and since then things have continued to get better and better with their breastfeeding relationship.

Aneri says that all the ideas of who she thought she would be as a mom or how natural she thought things would come have gone out the window and she's had to mourn the loss of those expectations. Still, 16 weeks later she is growing to love the unexpected and realizing that she and Arjun are adapting and growing together as a team. Motherhood is vulnerable, she says, but you have to find the strength. It felt like she was pretending at first but now she feels it for real.  Aneri is a huge fan of this project and has a huge respect for all of the women who are part of it. She has had a unique ability to also closely follow this movement since before it even began and was excited to finally become a part of it. She says that in this role as a mother she doesn't always love herself physically but when she sees how Arjun looks at her she realizes her concerns about her body pale in comparison. In this moment she wants to remember this relationship with her son where nothing else maters, it's just the two of them.

Emily Sullivan

The stunning Emily Sullivan with her daughter Charlotte (2.5) and son Teague (4 months). Emily's first pregnancy was lost to miscarriage which was incredibly difficult for her. The first two months after were especially trying until she learned she had quickly conceived Charlotte. Her pregnancy with Charlotte was great and Emily says that she absolutely loved being pregnant and even entertained the idea of surrogacy because she enjoyed it so much. Her water broke 9 days early and her labor was straight forward. She progressed without intervention other than a shot of Dilaudid to take the edge off the pain and was able to push her out in about 15 minutes. Charlotte didn't latch right away but they got the hang of things and Emily continued to nurse her until she weaned at 18 months old, well into her pregnancy with Teague. Emily says that her second pregnancy and birth could not have been more different. Having a toddler at home already definitely changed things and she carried post dates this time around. Her practice had recommended inducing at 41 weeks which she was uncertain about but when her blood pressure started to rise she felt it was time. She went into the hospital and they inserted cervidil overnight to ripen her cervix and she was grateful when contractions started on their own. Still they pushed pitocin and due to issues with the fetal monitors when she moved she was confined to the bed. Due to a suspected deceleration in Teague's heart rate and wanted to inserted an internal monitor as well. Labor progressed but the pace felt much slower when it came time to push however, she was able to get him out in just 5 minutes. He latched immediately and nursing has continued to go well. Emily says that just as people and children are unique and different our pregnancy and birth experiences are as well, and they are all worthy of embrace and celebration.

Desiree Zimmermann

The dashing Desiree Zimmermann with her daughter Sophie (16 months). Desiree knew that she always wanted to be a mother and was devastated when her first pregnancy ended in miscarriage shortly after she and her husband were married while they were on their honeymoon. The experience was very difficult as were the emotions afterward. They took some time off and were able to conceive Sophie without complication when they were ready. She had an enjoyable pregnancy and an unmedicated birth with midwives which was just what she'd hoped for. Breastfeeding was quite difficult and Desiree says that they just never got the latch quite right. She pumped and nursed for 6 months before weaning. Desiree participated because pregnancy, birth, and motherhood are beautiful and we all need more examples of images of the diversely wonderful ways in which that can take shape.

La pimpante Desiree Zimmermann avec sa fille Sophie (16 mois). Desiree savait qu'elle voulait avoir devenir mère et fut dévastée quand sa première grossesse se termina en fausse couche peu de temps après son mariage, pendant sa lune de miel. L'expérience a été aussi pénible que les émotions qui vinrent ensuite. Ils ont attendus quelque temps et conçurent Sophie sans problème, une fois décidés et prêts. Elle a eu une grossesse agréable et un accouchement naturel avec des sage-femmes tel que souhaité. L'allaitement, par contre, se révéla difficile et Desiree sait que la prise du sein n'a simplement jamais été correcte. Elle a tiré et donné son lait pendant 6 mois. La grossesse, la naissance et la maternité sont synonymes de beauté et on ne peut que s'émerveiller devant les milliers de façon différentes de les vivre. Desiree a participé au projet car, selon elle, nous avons tous besoin de plus d'images illustrant cette grandiose diversité.