Missy Quest

Missy Quest (35) and Ryley (3)

Staten Island, NY | Buffalo, NY

Missy shares - 

"Before Ryley we had a miscarriage. It was a surprise we found ourselves pregnant. I think it was a blessing in disguise because deep down I know I wasn't ready to bring a life into this world. Keith and I weren't stable financially and more important, mentally stable at the time. There was no heartbeat but my body didn't recognize that and I had to have a D&C. I did have a caring doctor and felt supported by her and Keith throughout that time. I am fascinated by science and opted to have genetic testing to see what went wrong. There was an extra chromosome. No one really talks about how hard the hormonal flux can be afterward. I felt, to put it bluntly, batshit crazy at times. Though, things like this help you slow down and take stock of your life. Shortly before that pregnancy I had overcome a metabolic syndrome and Stage 1 colon cancer. I knew I had to work on me and I found solace in fitness.

I must admit that I feel more sexy than I have ever felt since becoming a mom. I was always a tomboy growing up and felt more in touch with my masculine side (total Capricorn here!) Of course there were times postpartum when you think wow am I ever going to look like myself again. And you know what, I am so happy I don't. Thanks to Ryley, my new body has a more curvier, feminine shape. Yes I do have a few more stretch marks and some extra skin but I like to think of them as war wounds to be proud of. I am not afraid to rock a bikini at the beach or a crop top at the gym. I'm me. Take me as I am. It also helps to have a partner who reminds me of how beautiful and sexy I am to him all the time.

As a RN I am familiar with how hospital births work and I knew pretty early on that was not the route I wanted to take. I wanted to be proactive in our birth and didn't want medical policies and procedures to dictate how we were going to deliver and care for our baby. Fortunately, we found the only stand alone birthing center in NYC run by Certified Midwives. We were able to birth vaginally and almost unmedicated (I had a few breaths of nitrous oxide during the last stages of labor). You could just tell that the midwives truly loved what they did and cared about my birthing wishes. I had some difficulty at first figuring out how to push and once I did, I may have done so too forcefully resulting in a 2nd degree tear.

Because we delivered in the center, we were able to go home in 6 hours with Ryley, something I really wanted. I just felt more comfortable being able to recover at home with my baby. Breastfeeding was a little hard at first but within a few days and with help from one of the nurses we figured out how to get the right latch. He was a good eater which I think made the whole process that much easier. Breastfeeding and pumping is a tiresome, grueling experience but looking back I am so happy I could give my boy that gift. We breastfed up until just shy of 19 months and it was bittersweet when it ended. He self weaned when he was ready which makes me happy.

I had CrossFit and strength trained regularly up until 6 days before he was born. Working out had become such a huge part of me and I found it difficult to not have that in my life right away. At that time there wasn't much info on postpartum training and looking back now I would have been more patient with myself.

I believe that in order to grow as a person you have to step out of your comfort zone. You have to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. Doing things like this helps to keep me evolving.

Those first few months of bonding with your baby are extremely important. It's a shame our society doesn't value the postpartum period. Society wants us to birth babies and then go right back to who we were and what we were doing before. Fuck that! Slow down. Take in the experience and feel. You are not that same person you were before. You have evolved, been born anew. It is a sacred and amazing time. Be present.

Shannon Fuscaldo

Shannon Fuscaldo (37). Mother to Jaden (17) and Tilly (21 months - pictured)

Fort Wayne, Indiana | Portland, Oregon

Shannon shares -

"I had my first child at age 19, when I was just coming into my body as a woman. After he was born, I felt like everything quickly returned to its prior shape except my breasts and skin on my lower belly. I thought maybe after some time and more exercise they would bounce back and tighten up, but no amount of exercise did the trick. I grew very self-conscious of these areas and even consulted with a plastic surgeon about breast implants. Even though I didn't love these parts of myself, I so badly wanted to embrace all of the markings that parenthood gave me and decided against surgery.

Now, 17 years later, I still struggle with accepting the parts of myself that do not live up to this unattainable expectation I have, but I am working to change the thought patterns in my head. I am so fortunate to have a belly that expanded enough to grow two babies to term and breasts that have nourished them for the beginning of their lives. Also, I feel a tremendous responsibility to be a body positive role model to my daughter. My consciousness around the way I talk about my body or anyone's body or physical appearance in general in front of my daughter causes me to be more conscious about these thoughts even when she isn't around.

My son was born in a hospital where I had an epidural after I realized that labor is no joke, an episiotomy, and after pushing for several hours, my son was helped out with a vacuum. Days later when my milk came in, my rock-hard breasts were about five times their original size and my nipples could barely withstand the pain from still figuring out our latch. We did eventually figured it out and I healed up just fine. I did have a lot of family support, but I may have experienced a little postpartum depression, and definitely some loneliness and isolation because of being in such a different place from my peer group.

My daughter was born in a birthing center sixteen years later. In the throes of labor, I remembered why I opted to have an epidural the first time around! However, I did feel like a badass superwoman and I still feel a sense of strength when I remember what my body is capable of. I ended up with a small tear and chose not to get stitches (I couldn't bear the thought of being sewn up down there) so was put on bed rest for the first week postpartum. I got to spend an entire week holding her and nursing. I didn't think I'd have any trouble nursing since I'd done it before, but I still needed the guidance of a lactation consultant to get it down.

After an entire week in our house my body was feeling really good so we walked around the neighborhood and I started bleeding more heavily. My body was telling me to take it easy. We continued this dialogue where I would be a little too active and my body would respond by bleeding for six weeks postpartum. Eventually I did learn to listen to my body and slowly worked up to the level of activity that feels right for me.

I wanted to participate in this project because of the way it showcases the beauty of all mothers, regardless of their shape.

I would tell my former self or a new parent to not be afraid to accept help from others. If someone offers to hold your baby for 15 minutes so you can take a shower, let them! If a friend wants to bring dinner so you can bond with your family instead of working in the kitchen, graciously accept. If people offer to help, it's because they want to. You can pay it forward later.

Heather Hall Lewis

Heather Hall Lewis (36) and Daniel (4)

NW Indiana | Photographed in Portland, OR

Heather shares - 

"I'm not as firm as I used to be, and that bothers me sometimes. I also have a harder time maintaining my weight. I seem to gain weight a lot easier than I used to, and that can be frustrating. However, I am totally in awe of what my body was able to do for my son. It was his sole source of nourishment for 15 months (9 months inside and 6 months outside while I exclusively breastfed him). It continued to nourish him for another 12 months until we stopped breastfeeding when he was about 18 months. That's a pretty impressive accomplishment.

No one told me how long it was going to take for my body to recover from childbirth. I had some tearing so had to have some stitches. Those hurt, then itched, for weeks after I gave birth. And no one told me how long my body would leak fluids after I gave birth. I lost track of how long I had to use pads postpartum.

I was on anti-anxiety medication before I got pregnant and weaned off in preparation for pregnancy. I was doing very well in that regard and felt excellent during my pregnancy. But the anxiety returned full force within a week or two of giving birth. I was irritable and moody, beyond the point that would be considered "normal" postpartum hormonal ups and downs. I had some pretty terrifying thoughts, which I have never shared with anyone, about me and my son. Fortunately, I knew my body well enough to know that I needed some medical help. I spoke to my doctor right away and got back on a low-dose of anti-anxiety medication. Once my body healed enough, I was also able to get out and exercise with my son, which also helped. I still struggle with anxiety, but manage with medication and exercise.

I also did not anticipate how soon after birth I would want to go back to work. I had planned to take my full 12 weeks of leave, but quickly discovered that stay-at-home-mommy is NOT my calling in life. I was lonely, bored, and really not enjoying my time with my son. Fortunately, I had the resources and ability to put him in daycare earlier than I had originally planned. I went back to work half-time when he was 8 weeks old, then returned full-time when he was 12 weeks old and it was the best decision I could have made. I was so much happier during the time that I got to spend with him when I could go to work for part of the day, too. I wish more women had that opportunity. I also wish that women weren't vilified for returning to work shortly after birth. That should be a personal decision with no judgement from anyone else. I try to discuss my experience with other parents so they know it's okay to not enjoy parental leave and want to go back to work. Parental leave isn't all sunshine and roses for everyone.

I love being a parent, but I also love being a working professional. I am healthier and my son is happier when I get to go to work.

I love what my body did for my son and am proud of that. I want to document that and share it with others.

Nina Patterson

The beautiful Nina Patterson with Madelyn (16 months). Nina is also mother to Cameron (born at 17 weeks gestation in 2013) and an ectopic pregnancy at 6 weeks shortly thereafter. 

Nina has PCOS and always imagined it would take some time to get pregnant. She and her husband decided to wait a year after they were married to have a family and they conceived for the first time the weekend of their first wedding anniversary without complication. Nina and her husband enjoyed telling their friends and took a vacation to tell her family. Their 13 week scan showed that everything was prefect and they planned to wait to find out the babies gender until they were born. Nina developed a nerve pain in her buttock that her doctor wasn't able to pin point and it was very debilitating. She couldn't walk and feared that it would never go away.

At 17 weeks, Nina went in to the doctor and they couldn't find her baby's heart beat. They brought in a portable ultrasound and then sent her to the hospital and confirmed that her baby no longer had a heartbeat. She was given the choice of allowing her body to react naturally or be induced and as a Type A person, she wanted to be able to plan. Her doctor wasn't very helpful in describing the process so in the two days before her induction, Nina took to the internet and googled what to expect. She wasn't sure if she should hold her baby or find out the gender and everyone she talked to told her that it would all be more difficult if she did. Worried that the process of meeting her baby would be too traumatic at the time, she was induced, gave birth, and went back to work just a few days later. 

Nina and her husband began trying to conceive again shortly there after and had their first positive pregnancy test on Christmas day. When she went to the doctor to have her levels checked, however, she learned her pregnancy was tubal and she had to take methotrexate so that her body would pass it. They conceived again, very quickly, with Madelyn and from the very beginning she says the pregnancy was difficult. She had all day sickness which needed to be treated with Zofran and the debilitating nerve pain in her butt came back. She said it was easier this time because she knew it would eventually go away but working through the pain was intense. Via ultrasound, they learned that Madelyn had a two vessel cord which added to the worry. At 17 weeks, the point where she had lost her first baby, Nina began to have panic attacks. She had already been experiencing a constant fear that this baby too would die, but this was more intense. Past this point everything was new and she couldn't shake the idea that she was replacing one baby with another. She eventually went to a counselor and found talk therapy to be very helpful.  

Nins struggled with not having held her baby or finding out if it was a boy or girl and says that the trauma of that decision has stuck with her. Nina's therapist encouraged her to focus on the things she could do rather than those she could not and just weeks ago they decided to give their baby a name, Cameron, so she could properly honor their life. 

While Nina's panic attacks became better managed, the pregnancy never got easier. She had been planning for a natural childbirth but was induced a few days before her due date. Nina had an epidural at 8cms that she was very thankful for and was able to deliver Madelyn vaginally but tore quite badly. She had been experiencing some blood pooling and swelling in her legs prior to delivery and it continued after, leaving her mostly bedridden for the first two weeks after Madelyn was born. 

Nina stayed home with her daughter for the first three months of her life but it was harder than she ever imagined. Madelyn had colic and cried constantly and when it was time for Nina to return to work she couldn't wait to hand her to their day care provider. It wasn't until months later that she realized she had been navigating postpartum depression that went untreated. She'd raised concern to her OB who dismissed her as simply being "career orientated" and said she'd know what to expect the next time. It is just now, that Nina feels the fog is lifting. 

Madelyn self weaned at 9 months and Nina notes that it is likely due to her daughters food allergies. She had been supplementing with formula and about that time, Madelyn began refusing all breast milk, even if it was bottled. It wasn't until she was diagnosed with a milk allergy, on top of many other things, that Nina realized breastmilk and her diet had been upsetting her. 

While Nina wanted to capture and celebrate in these moments with her beautiful daughter, much of her motivation for sharing her story is to honor Cameron's life and encourage mother's of loss to see and hold their babies. "You will never regret holding your baby. That is not a moment that you can get back once it's gone." 

Ashley Urbanick-Miley

The amazing Ashley Urbanick-Miley, Dylan (4) and Ellie (8 weeks).

Ashley went into her first pregnancy open minded that her doctor would listen to her desires and support her, while guiding her through the process of pregnancy and birth. Unfortunately, things didn't go quite as she'd hoped. Once Ashley's labor began and she arrived at the hospital, she was hooked up to an IV and made to lie down to labor on her back. While her labor progressed fairly quickly, she was given an episiotomy without prior consent and developed a 4th degree tear. Ashley's postpartum period and path to healing was both long and difficult. She didn't want to leave her bed with her baby for her first two months and dealt with depression she feels was directly related. Ashley's milk supply was also affected and her sex life was greatly impacted as it was two years before she was comfortable enough to feel good about things. She feels very fortunate to have connected with a group of women who were able to donate milk to Dylan and helped her to realize that as horrible as things had been, she wasn't alone. 

Going into her second pregnancy, Ashley was worried about tearing again but knew that she wanted to give birth at home with a midwife. Her pregnancy progressed well and she carried two weeks post dates before going into labor. Ashley's husband arrived home from work at around 11:30pm and her daughter was born, into his arms, just an hour later before her doula and midwife had a chance to get there. While Ashley tore a little bit, her midwife was able to stitch her up at home and her recovery has been so much easier than with her first. She has been able to focus on and connect with her daughter in these early weeks with clarity. Breastfeeding is going well; mentally and physically she just feels so much better. 

Talking about the benefits of milk sharing and the realities of vaginal tearing were both very important topics for Ashley to address in sharing her story. She was afraid to talk about it for quite some time after Dylan was born, and couldn't do so without crying, but over time she has found an amazing community of women online willing to share their experiences. That honesty and openness in motherhood is so beneficial to us all. 

Rachel Kelley

The radiant Rachel Kelley, Harriet (4.5) and Ursula (20 months). 

Rachel and her now husband had been planning on getting married and having children but their were still 3-5 years in the future when she conceived Harriet with an IUD in place. Rachel was happy she was in great shape at the time and even swam a mile in the ocean as part of a triathlon when she was 4 weeks pregnant. She was about 10 weeks along when they got the news and decided to just set thing in motion a bit earlier than planned. 

Other than the need to monitor her IUD via ultrasound throughout, Rachel had a very healthy pregnancy. She had been seeing an OB who she'd just happened upon for well woman care but learned that nearly 1/3 of her patients delivered via cesarean and chose to switch to a midwife based practice around 20 weeks. They chose to deliver at a birth center and Rachel remembers being thoroughly comforted by the water. Labor progressed well and when she felt ready to birth, Harriet came out very quickly after only 13 minutes of pushing. Harriet emerged with the cord around her neck but summersaulted out with Rachel's next push and untangled herself. When Rachel birthed her placenta they needed to check it closely to make sure that her IUD came out and she didn't need to have a D&C. Her midwife did have to do a manual sweep which is when she realized Rachel had vasa previa. They still don't know why it wasn't caught on any of her ultrasounds but Rachel feels incredibly lucky that both she and Harriet were able to get through pregnancy and birth without complications as it could have been life threatening. Breastfeeding went very well for them both and Harriet continued to nurse until about 6 months into her pregnancy with Ursula. 

Ursula was very much Rachel's planned baby and they conceived right away, she assumed things would go just as smoothly as with her first. Rachel and her husband both changed jobs when she was around 20 weeks pregnant and at 22-23 weeks she lost her mucous plug. She didn't fully realize what had happened but saw her midwife at a birthing class the next night who examined her. Rachel learned she was 1cm dilated and her cervix was soft, she'd also been having preterm contractions. Her midwife wanted Rachel to go on full bedrest but she was worried about her new job so she tired working part time for a week and then saw her midwives OB who put her on medication and partial bed rest for a month. The contractions continued when she was up and about however, which was their cue to put her on full bed rest for the next 10 weeks. Things weren't quite as planned but Rachel was able to care to term and found support online through facebook groups and Sidelines. She was even able to shift her role at work so she could keep working from home. 

Rachel and her husband had wanted to have a home birth with Ursela but they were living with her mother-in-law at the time who wasn't exactly supportive. They decided to deliver at the birth center again and the day she started to have more intense contractions she thought she'd still have a couple days before things got serious and they needed to go in. She called her midwife who asked her to call back in about 45 minutes but when that time had passed her contractions were so intense that she wasn't able to call her. Rachel's husband was taking a nap with Harriet and also didn't realize how quickly things were moving. She called her midwife after about an hour who encouraged her to go ahead and come in. After hanging up the phone, she had one intense contraction that took her to transition. Rachel grabbed a bunch of towels and as they prepared to go to the parking garage, her water started breaking. Rachel's husband was trying to strap Harriet into the car and call his mom to come help them. His mom said she'd be back soon so they decided to wait and try to get ahold of the midwife again. In the interim, they'd Harriet had gotten out of her car seat and smashed her fingers in the car door, her husband was trying to get someone on the phone and Rachel felt the baby moving down through her pelvis. Her husband called 911, Harriet was crying, and Rachel need to push. In two quick pushes, Ursela came right out, let out a little cry and tried to latch right away. 

All the happy hormones hit Rachel and she realized she had another girl and started telling everyone. Her husband hung up with the paramedics and got through to her midwife who instructed them to go back up stairs to their apartment to deliver her placenta. Rachel had an unexpected lotus birth and her midwife arrived about 20 minutes later. She says it was the most perfect day. She'd had a productive morning, gave birth to her baby just after 5pm, ate some delicious pizza and was in bed with her family by 8pm. 

Breastfeeding has been more of a challenge this time as well. Rachel says that so many of her pregnancy and birth related decisions hinged upon her having successful nursing relationships. They struggled with latch and thrush and she's just getting over a bout of mastitis but is committed to continuing. 

Rachel had repaired a shoulder injury and ab separation after her pregnancy with Harriet through physical therapy and exercise but that was all undone in her time on bedrest. She's recently started working out again and has been able to heal her ab separation a bit and get her shoulder feeling a bit better. She may be a skinny mom but that doesn't mean she's always been healthy or doesn't have to work to cultivate a positive self image. Teaching her girls to love the bodies they're in is a message she wants to pass on. She hopes they can learn to look past people's bodies and look inside to see who a person is. She was excited to lend herself and her story to a movement showing just how many variations of normal there truly are. 

Marcella Miserendino

The magnificent Marcella Miserendino, Pella James (5), Orla Grace (2) and Nicholas (1).

Marcella got pregnant with Pella in her early twenties. Her pregnancy was a surprise but she had been with her partner for 7 years and went through much of the pregnancy thinking she'd have his support. She carried to 39 weeks when she was induced due to low fluid. Labor and delivery were only about 6 hours from start to finish but Marcella pushed for two hours with Pella moving up and down in her birth canal without any interventions. Pella was over 7lbs at birth but had severe jaundice. Marcella nursed for about 9 weeks before choosing stop and later learned that Pella had been tongue tied. Marcella gave birth on February 2nd and her partner told her on Valentine's Day that he had another girlfriend and ended their relationship. Her stress levels at being an unexpectedly single parent were through the roof. Marcella later learned that Pella needed physical, occupational and speech therepy which she received in home for her first three years and continued through school and outpatient later on. A pediatric neurologist told Marcella that her daughter may have mild CP. Though she never had a documented brain injury, Marcella believes she may have had some residual trauma from her birth. 

Marcella met her husband when Pella was 15 months old and married a year later. The following year she conceived Orla and had another easy pregnancy. She carried to 39 weeks again when she was induced due to Orla's weight, her doctor worried that her baby would be too big for her to birth. Orla's birth went well and was 4.5 hours from the time Marcella's water broke. Marcella had a cyst in her breast removed after Pella was born. At that time she also had a reduction and got breast implants so she wasn't certain if she'd be able to breastfeed Orla. She tried pumping and nothing happened so she assumed that her milk ducts were severed and decided to formula feed instead. 

Marcella learned she was pregnant with her son when Orla was only 2 months old. Nicholas was born when Orla was 11 months old and was Marcella's easiest pregnancy yet. She carried to term and delivered him vaginally at 9lbs and 15oz but she tore badly and hemorrhaged during Nicholas' delivery which made for a very difficult postpartum period. She couldn't walk for a week and had a slow recovery. 

When Marcella was pregnant with her first daughter she blogged and was very public about her experience. Because of this, she was able to connect with other women going through a difficult time and hopes to raise awareness through continuing to share her story. Having her daughter changed her life even thought it was far from easy. She battled postpartum depression alone until realizing that therapy and medication were needed to help get her through her personal life and focus on bonding as a mother. Above all else, Marcella hopes that other women can realize that no matter what they are going through, they are never alone. 

Radiance Walker

The wonderful Radiance Walker and Caspian (3). 

When Radiance learned she was pregnant she wasn't with Caspian's father and when she told him, he chose not to stick around. She had the support of her close family members but being on her own for her pregnancy was difficult and she struggled emotionally.  On top of everything else she was coping with, Radiance was robbed at gun point the day of her baby shower. 

Radiance gained 60 lbs throughout her pregnancy and has struggled with her body since. She tore badly during her delivery and took months to recover. She says that she hated herself and didn't have a good body image until recently. While, her journey has been difficult Radiance is so grateful she chose to keep her son. Motherhood has changed her in so many positive ways - she is more patient, empathetic, and grounded. She and Caspian have a wonderful breastfeeding relationship to this day and she's working on reframing how she views herself. In the past 6 months she's been focused on finding her worth and harnessing radical self-love. 

Hanna Belizaire

The beautiful Hanna Belizaire, Isaiah (2) and Kaia (6 months).

Hanna conceived Isaiah when she was 18. Her pregnancy went well and seemed to fly by. Hanna wasn't very educated about her birth options at the time and felt pushed into having a cesarean birth at 38 weeks due to having a big baby and lower levels of amniotic fluid.  Isaiah was 9lbs when he was born and she says he was healthy but definitely wasn't ready to be born. He wasn't able to nurse right away and had a lot of digestive and skin issues.

She knew she wanted to do things differently the next time whether it was finding an OB who would let her VBAC or someone to help her deliver at home. She was living in Florida at the time she conceived Kaia, in an area with a 50% cesarean rate and realized it wasn't worth trying in the hospital where she'd likely be pressured to deliver via repeat cesarean. Her husband was skeptical at first but after meeting the wonderful home birth midwife she'd found was fully on board.

At 40 weeks, Hanna still hadn't gone into labor and because she was planning to deliver at home she was legally required to go in for an OB consult. While both she and her baby were perfectly healthy, she was treated horribly by hospital staff. They kept telling her she was being silly, that she just need to stay there and have a cesarean. An ultrasound measured Kaia at nearly 11lbs and they said there was no way she would be able to deliver her. She felt that she needed to listen to her body and listen to her baby and had to sign out of the hospital against medical advice.

Hanna carried to 42 weeks when her water broke and she says the experience was surreal and wonderful.  Her contractions didn't start right away and when they finally ramped up didn't remain steady. After about 20 hours of labor her chiropractor came to adjust her and she felt the energy shift in the house. Things finally started to progress and after 30 hours of labor she was finally in the tub. She says there were many times she just wanted to go to the hospital and get the baby cut out of her but she had so much support from her husband, doula, midwife, family and friends. She pushed for two hours with her husband squeezing her hips but Kaia wasn't coming and she felt she needed gravity on her side so she stood up and her baby came out. Hanna tore severely and almost had to transfer to hospital but her midwife was able to stitch her up and stop the bleeding.

Kaia was born weighing just 8lbs and Hanna found it incredibly healing that she was able to birth her baby herself. Her recovery was night and day and having her daughter skin to skin immediately was wonderful. She nursed Isaiah up until the day Kaia was born and was able to flow into her new breastfeeding relationship seamlessly.

"Women are so beautiful. Seeing women embrace their bodies is the most empowering thing."

Pauline Campos

The courageous Pauline Campos and Eliana (8). Pauline is the eldest of five girls and both her mom and younger sister faired pregnancy well. She assumed she would also but learned quickly that pregnancy does not suit her very well. In her first trimester normal morning sickness became severe and she got to explore the wonders that are hyperemesis gravidarum full term. Zofran was a necessity for most of her pregnancy after landing in the hospital for dehydration every time sit was out of her system. Eliana also used her sciatic nerve as a pillow and every time she would push on it her leg would go out, requiring physical therapy until she was put on bed rest for preeclampsia.

Just under 37 weeks they became concerned as her blood pressure had continued to creep up and her midwife consulted with the doctor. Her blood pressure was 200/100 and she needed to go to the hospital for induction. She went home to get her bag and stop for food without realizing that the hospital was waiting for her. Pauline was induced without pain medications because she reacts very poorly to anesthesia and was advised to avoid it. She labored for nearly 12 hours and was fine while she was dilating, contractions feeling no worse than the severe menstrual cramping she's accustomed to. That is, until 7-9cms she was in incredible pain but wonder womaned her way thorough made more difficult as Eliana was born with her fist by her face which caused tearing.

Pauline was kept in the hospital for 5 days postpartum to monitor her blood pressure but everything came down without further complication. Breastfeeding was an uncertainty due to a necessary breast reduction and reconstruction when was 24. She was able to breastfeed through her right side without issue but developed severe mastitis on her left side 3 times during her daughters first 6 weeks requiring a week long hospitalization and heavy antibiotics each time.

Pauline has navigated a lot of health concerns since becoming a mother and feels that all of those antibiotics may have set the stage for predisposed health complications to emerge. She has hypothyroidism and PCOS, ADHD,  Anxiety during her cycles which may be PDD, a history of depression, disordered eating and body image issues, she is insulin resistant and has more recently been navigating a slew of allergies to food and preservatives, that may be histamine intolerance and have caused hair loss and hives all over her body. When Pauline has hives her dermatillomania is triggered and she picks her skin. She has had to learn new triggers as they come and all too often spells mean not eating or drinking anything beyond what she needs to because she is having flare ups.

Pauline's body changes drastically when she's inflamed which makes navigating body image and remaining positive even more difficult. Having her daughter has shifted the focus from herself and her internal dialogue to her daughter watching and taking it all in.

Six years ago, Pauline, wrote her recently released book Baby Fat and in the process realized that she can preach to others about loving themselves, knowing they are beautiful no what their size and that they can find their own version of health but can say all of these things without believing them for herself all the time. She felt that her pass for socially acceptable baby weight had passed and she needed to do something. Her focus was on the number on the scale first but eventually she started picking up on the fact that if she didn't like where she was right then, she wouldn't like where she was 10 lbs lighter or 20 lbs lighter or 40 lbs lighter, she would still find a reason to pick.

She grew up internalizing the dialogue around her and wants her daughter to not only see and hear her words but witness her actions. She wants to be a good example and knows her daughter needs to see her in a place where she is happy with herself. Pauline says she always needs to remember where she is right now not where she may end up, it is okay to be a work in progress, it's okay to love yourself now, you don't have to ask for permission and you may even have to wake up every morning and start loving yourself all over again.

"We're taught that happiness is at the finish line and you must step on a scale before you step on the podium. But even that doesn't work because the finish line is a mirage, it keeps getting pushed back further and further."