Katie Vigos

Katie Vigos (33), Joshua (11), Caleb (8), and Jesse (4)

Minnesota | Los Angeles, CA

Katie shares -

“My reproductive experiences have spanned a much broader spectrum than I ever could have imagined when I pictured myself becoming a mother as a young woman. After getting married at age 20, my husband and I conceived within a few months and after a healthy, uneventful pregnancy, I had an unmedicated hospital birth at 41w5d. My husband was an amazing doula for me, but I felt pressured by hospital staff to accept interventions I didn’t need, and afterwards my midwife even admitted that she didn’t think I could give birth without an epidural.

We planned and conceived easily the second time around just after our oldest son turned one, and we announced the pregnancy early to our families on Thanksgiving. A few weeks later I started spotting and suffered a miscarriage. I was shocked and devastated by the sudden loss. I knew almost nothing about miscarriage and I had never spoken to anyone who had experienced it. While it was painful to have to tell friends and family about it, I’m grateful our announcement forced me to start talking rather than grieve in silence.

The third time I became pregnant, it was unplanned and we were both overjoyed. I was surprised by the intense anxiety I felt during the first trimester after having had a previous miscarriage. I found amazing midwives for support during my pregnancy and I exercised and practiced self hypnosis daily. I self medicated with cannabis during labor and experienced a euphoric, orgasmic home birth at 41w3d. To this day, the birth of my second son is the most empowering experience of my life.

My fourth pregnancy was also unplanned, but under completely different life circumstances. From the moment the test turned positive, every cell of my body said no. It was like a dark cloud enveloped me, obstructing my vision and suffocating every breath. Deciding to have an abortion was the most difficult decision I have ever made, and yet I knew I was making the right choice for my physical and mental well being so I could care for myself and my young family in the way we needed at that time. While the experience itself was traumatic and isolating, I have since found the support I need to process it and I believe our stories must be shared if we have any hope of normalizing our reproductive choices.

A little over a year later, I had a powerful spiritual experience just days before we physically conceived our youngest son. I opened my heart to the heavens and proclaimed myself ready and willing to receive another child, and I could feel his presence enter my body. My pregnancy was healthy although stressful in many ways, and I prepared diligently to have an unassisted home birth with only my husband and a few close friends present. I had been dreaming about this birth since my previous home birth, but nothing went as planned. My son was born by emergency cesarean at 42w6d. In a twist of fate, modern medicine saved our lives.

I look back on my five pregnancies and three living children with a deep sense of awe, appreciation, and if I’m being honest-- grief. I think I will always exist within the duality of utmost gratitude for my three beautiful sons and the pain of what it was like to experience miscarriage, abortion, and difficult postpartum recoveries in a society that provides little support for birthing people and continues to shame and stigmatize them for their choices. My years of childbearing have been beautiful and bittersweet, and I cherish the lessons I have learned and the woman I have since become.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

For the most part, I enjoyed my pregnant body and the changes I experienced. Like most pregnant people, I quickly learned how the public felt entitled to opinions and unsolicited advice regarding my pregnant body and the choices I made while carrying a child. For instance, I found cannabis to be tremendously helpful in managing nausea, discomfort, insomnia, and much more, but couldn’t speak of it to anyone besides my husband, my cannabis doctor, and a few trusted friends. When I was planning my first home birth, I didn’t feel able to discuss it freely skeptical family and friends, and I felt like I was coming out of a closet when I finally told them about it. It’s mind boggling to me how little trust and respect our society places in the vessels who are actually carrying and birthing children.

My greatest challenges with body image came after my cesarean birth. My belly looked and felt completely foreign to me. I had to completely relearn myself as a sexual being. The uneven shelf the cesarean incision created and the persistent roundness where there used to be flatness took a long time to love and accept. To this day nearly five years later, I still occasionally experience mysterious pains around my uterus, almost as if my womb remembers what it went through during its five pregnancies and needs to mourn from time to time.

Today, nearly five years later and after a great deal of physical and emotional labor, I can truly say I love my body more than ever before. I see self love as a process, not a destination. It’s a daily practice of honoring the vessel that birthed my children and remembering gratitude for the healthy body that gives me life, pleasure, and joy.

What was your experience?

I found myself wholly unprepared for the challenges of postpartum life. I’ve never felt more inadequate than when learning to breastfeed my first child. There was no continuity of care or follow-up beyond one six week postpartum visit (which was when my midwife told me she hadn’t believed I could give birth without an epidural) and one outpatient visit with a lactation specialist which I scheduled myself amidst sleep deprivation and bleeding nipples so painful I would cry each time he latched. The fact that this is the standard of postpartum care in America still fills me with desperate rage.

By trial and error, I was generally more prepared the second time around and I also had better support of my home birth midwives during the immediate postpartum period. However, once again I found myself feeling isolated and in need of more support after the first four to six weeks. Once again, I struggled to breastfeed and maintain my milk supply while going back to work.

My first two sons weaned early at five and three months old. I felt like a failure each time for not being able to breastfeed longer. Looking back on it now, I realize it was almost entirely due to lack of knowledge, support, and resources. I formula fed my boys until they were ready for solids. They are healthy and happy now but I still have moments of guilt and worry about it.

By my third postpartum experience, I was ready to fight for our breastfeeding relationship with all my might. Although I was blindsided by an unexpected cesarean recovery, I had taken more time to prepare myself for breastfeeding and was armed with information and resources. We used a nipple shield for the first six weeks which helped tremendously. I struggled with milk supply issues again and supplemented with a ton of herbs and ultimately started taking domperidone, which allowed us to continue breastfeeding for two years. I pumped hundreds of times while working full time as a registered nurse-- in bathrooms, empty offices, closets, cars, locker rooms, stairwells, you name it. Providing breastmilk for my youngest son as long as possible was part of my healing process after years of struggle. It was a victory that I cherish to this day.

While the physical recoveries from my first two vaginal births were relatively easy and uncomplicated, I was astounded by the toll the emergency cesarean took on my body. One day at a time, I slowly regained strength through gentle yoga and core exercises. I processed the birth trauma by writing about my journey online and connecting with other parents going through similar things. I didn’t feel a new sense of normal until around two years postpartum. I’m certain that if I had actually sought mental health care during that time, I would have been diagnosed with postpartum depression.

I consider myself fortunate to have had children with a very supportive and present partner who shares the work of childrearing and caretaking and is an incredible father to our children. That said, my postpartum experiences have left me feeling like humans weren’t meant to birth and parent the way we are currently doing it in the United States. We need much, much more support. We need to prepare parents for the realities of postpartum. We need to arm them with information and connect them with resources. We need to cultivate cultural practices (without appropriating them), and remember how to nurture our species through this sensitive and beautiful time of our lives.

What is your truth? 
The tradition of silence no longer serves us. Storytelling can be a powerful medium to destigmatize, normalize, and heal from our experiences.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

I am here to commemorate this time of my life as a mother of three young children and to stand in the truth of my reproductive experiences in their entirety.

You can follow Katie’s important work at Empowered Birth Project.

Deaira Lynn Elwell

Deaira Lynn Elwell (38), Jeriah (8), and Wynnie (6)

Reno, NV

Deaira shares -

“Parenthood improved my body image, it helped me see my body as a beautiful creation that was strong and capable of great things. Growing life, giving birth and nourishing these little people with my body taught me my body had a purpose that it was not a fat, ugly, waste like society taught me.

My daughter arrived very quickly, in less than 2 hours and she was breech. My midwife did not arrive and I delivered her all by myself alone in my living room. It taught me how strong I could be when I had no other choice. Her birth was normal, it was extraordinary just like the perfect autistic being she is.

My daughter loves my soft squishy parts they give her comfort and peace, she loves to bury her face in them, how could something that brings her such comfort be bad, ugly or anything less than perfect. How could I hate and despise a body that brought me such amazing love?

Postpartum life was about falling in love with these tiny creatures. I relished everything about them. Their smell, the way they cuddled into me the greedy way they drank milk from my breasts. Watching them grow has taught me many things, they've been my greatest teachers. In becoming a parent I became a better more mindful more loving version of myself.

Our journey to this place has been a rocky one. Being a mother was always easy for me but coping with the rocky road life has put us on has been harder. I'm still here, I have remained a constant, safe, secure place for my children and despite the storms they are content and happy because of me. I am committed every day to love and honor who they are and foster their wild wonderful spirits while they discover their path. Its beautiful chaos and I'm so glad we have each other. Being here today capturing this place in our life, in the storm, is my way of asserting that we will keep going, i will keep loving them, protecting them and encouraging them into the wonderful humans they're meant to be.”

Angelica Pattaya Chavez

The amazing Angelica Pattaya Chavez and Meoki Leath (8 months)

Angelica and her husband's beloved dog Keiko passed away a little over a month before they learned they were pregnant. She was always by their side as they were in the process of moving to start trying to expand their family. "We think she knew, and she wanted to be the baby, for real". They had called Keiko, "the shark" because she was always moving. And their first ultrasound took forever, the nurse even asked what she ate that morning, because baby was all over the place as well. They couldn't get a good heart rate because she just wouldn't stay still long enough. Meoki remained that way the entire pregnancy - their shark. 

"A great group of people brought me here, some great women that I worked for, who took me in as family. They remind me of how amazing things can actually be if we remember the big picture- spreading love to the people around you. I love this project, and although my pregnancy was easy, we went through a lot of struggle finding the kind of provider to our experience". Midwifery laws in North Carolina are restrictive and Angelica knew she wanted to birth at home. They found a way to make it happen, but unfortunately, a month before their due date they were told that their midwifery was closing, leaving them no other real options. Her husband spent the day calling private midwives and found someone willing to come out to see them that evening and two other times that week. 

Angelica and her husband felt very prepared for birth thanks to the doula led class they had taken, which was good, because labor started at 37 weeks and in 6 hours, her baby arrived in the company of just she and her husband. "It was the most amazing experience, because of the people we were able to prepare with. Things might not always work out the way we want them. No one expected for my labor to be that fast, in fact, no one really thought I was in labor, and definitely not as far along as I was. I wanted this storybook water birth with low flickering lights and music playing in the background, and great beautiful pictures of our home birth. I ended up binge-watching my favorite show to distract me from my "sciatica pain" while Stu (her husband) cleaned out the car and tried to figure out how to use our carseat. Our midwife was expecting a normal labor timeline, and ours was so not normal. It wasn't how we expected it, we are so incredibly lucky, and thankful nothing went wrong. But it was kind of a fist in the air to all the crazy looks I got for so long when I said I wanted to have our daughter at home, without medication. We did it! OUR story is frantic and funny, and so much better when my husband tells it."

Angelica feels that it is incredibly important to come together and strengthen our communities - to show our love and support for one another and take care of our neighbors. Our children need our voices and our change, now more than even. 

Angela Steele

The stunning Angela Steele, Landon (5), and Emmett (2). 

Angela's first pregnancy came when she was just 16 and she felt pretty powerless at the time as she had an abortion but it was not a decision she made for herself. In the time since, she's made peace with it as she feels it was the appropriate decision for her at such a young age.

Her second pregnancy came 9 months after dating the man who is now her husband. It was shocking as she hadn't planned on ever being a parent and was told that it would be difficult due to ovarian scarring and endometriosis. Her pregnancy went well and Landon's birth was fairly uneventful, in a good way. She had hired a doula, went to the hospital in active labor after her water broke spontaneously at 36 weeks 6 days. She labored without medication for a few hours, pushed for 25 minutes and there he was.

Breastfeeding is where things became difficult, and they were very difficult. She had cracked, bleeding nipples, mastitis six times, and two abbesses that constantly filled and emptied blood in her bra. She didn't feel bonded with her baby, and dreaded nursing. To make maters worse, postpartum anxiety left her terrified of something happening to him. The first six months were arduous, and ultimately, she decided to switch to formula. She cried, sobbed actually, feeling like she had done everything "right". She read all the books and saw all the doctors and lactation consultants but still couldn't feed her child how she'd hoped.

Two years later she was pregnant with her second child and was terrified of not being able to feed her baby again. She had become a doula in the interim and helped her clients with proper latch and referring to amazing IBCLC's. She was determined, felt confident about my birthing abilities and decided on a home birth. She hired a local midwife with an affordable fee and her pregnancy progressed nicely. Her midwife became concerned when she refused to take the standard glucose tolerance test but she assured her that she'd monitor her sugar levels as if she were a diabetic for a week and could reassess from there. Angela's levels were normal, she felt good, and wasn't gaining an abnormal level of weight. Around 38 weeks during a meeting with the assistant midwife, they both palpated Angela's belly and said "This baby feels really big! Wow! I'm guessing already 8+ pounds!" They suggested there may be concerns if things continued and by her 39 week appointment rolls her midwife decides she is having a hard time guessing baby's weight because Angela is a "large woman."

She was told she had to get an ultrasound to determine baby's size and they estimated the baby to be roughly 8 pounds 4 ounces. They were back in the clear for a home birth until Angela started leaking fluid and was risked out as it could have been happening for more than 48 hours. smell of amniotic fluid a few days prior to our 40 week ultrasound.

Devastated, she packed her bags and headed for the hospital but didn't feel right about it. She didn't want to be induced and didn't want to have her baby in hospital.  After stopping to eat and talking with her husband more she asked her midwife if she would be okay if they tried to get things moving on their own. She would take her temperature every two hours to monitor for infection, but her provider didn't feel comfortable. After talking to a friend/doula who has had three home births herself, she agreed to support Angela in whatever she decided. Angela's husband was on board with an unassisted birth as well, saying that he had complete faith in Angela.

They decided to try some "natural" induction methods to see if they could get things moving and decided that if she wasn't in labor in 12 hours, they'd go in to the hospital. She drank castor oil, bounced on her exercise ball, meditated and walked. She was able to get some rest in between as well as eat and drink which was wonderful. Contractions were mild but regular and in the morning she showered, had breakfast and we headed over to her parents house, the house she grew up in, where they wanted their child to be born.

Later that evening, their second son arrived into his dad's arms. Angela had a stubborn placenta that almost required a transfer but, other than that, birth was fairly uncomplicated. She had no tearing and felt great, until it was time to breastfeed and it was difficult again. They reluctantly had their midwife finish out her contractual obligation to provide postpartum care and she diagnosed him with a tongue tie. They had it revised at just a couple days old which improved things dramatically and he's still nursing today.

"Childbirth and motherhood is not always like the stories you read in books or online. It's hard. We don't all birth the same or feed our babies the same and we sure as hell don't all look the same. There is so much pressure to do things the "right" way and for your body to look like you've never had it stretched to the max. Do I love my body? Most of the time no, no I don't but, I'm getting there. I've made some hard decisions in my life but I'm a bad ass. I am an advocate for my body, my children bodies and my clients bodies. I think that's my "right" way"

Ashley Urbanick-Miley

The amazing Ashley Urbanick-Miley, Dylan (4) and Ellie (8 weeks).

Ashley went into her first pregnancy open minded that her doctor would listen to her desires and support her, while guiding her through the process of pregnancy and birth. Unfortunately, things didn't go quite as she'd hoped. Once Ashley's labor began and she arrived at the hospital, she was hooked up to an IV and made to lie down to labor on her back. While her labor progressed fairly quickly, she was given an episiotomy without prior consent and developed a 4th degree tear. Ashley's postpartum period and path to healing was both long and difficult. She didn't want to leave her bed with her baby for her first two months and dealt with depression she feels was directly related. Ashley's milk supply was also affected and her sex life was greatly impacted as it was two years before she was comfortable enough to feel good about things. She feels very fortunate to have connected with a group of women who were able to donate milk to Dylan and helped her to realize that as horrible as things had been, she wasn't alone. 

Going into her second pregnancy, Ashley was worried about tearing again but knew that she wanted to give birth at home with a midwife. Her pregnancy progressed well and she carried two weeks post dates before going into labor. Ashley's husband arrived home from work at around 11:30pm and her daughter was born, into his arms, just an hour later before her doula and midwife had a chance to get there. While Ashley tore a little bit, her midwife was able to stitch her up at home and her recovery has been so much easier than with her first. She has been able to focus on and connect with her daughter in these early weeks with clarity. Breastfeeding is going well; mentally and physically she just feels so much better. 

Talking about the benefits of milk sharing and the realities of vaginal tearing were both very important topics for Ashley to address in sharing her story. She was afraid to talk about it for quite some time after Dylan was born, and couldn't do so without crying, but over time she has found an amazing community of women online willing to share their experiences. That honesty and openness in motherhood is so beneficial to us all. 

Theresa Armstrong

The amazing Theresa Armstrong, Lola (6), and Jack (2).

Theresa finds motherhood to be both awesome and so hard. As a doula, she loves pregnancy and birth and enjoyed her own as much as she enjoys supporting other women through theirs.

Theresa's daughter was a pleasant surprise. She and her husband had known each other since middle school but fell out of touch. They reconnected and things moved very quickly as her husband was getting ready for deployment. They started dating in August, she got pregnant in September, they married in October, and he deployed in November of 2009. Lola was a welcomed surprise but Theresa's husband was deployed for most of her pregnancy. Her father had a stroke just before Christmas and her husband was able to come home in January to be with her just before her dad passed. The day her husband flew back to Afghanistan they learned that Lola was a girl and they then spent the next 10 months apart. 

Theresa delivered Lola in hospital following a healthy pregnancy, with her husband watching everything via Skype. She was supported by her sister and sister-in-law and had a smooth 12 hour labor and vaginal delivery. Her husband was able to watch the birth but as she pulled her daughter up to her chest, the Skype connection cut out and they had to call him back. Theresa says that while this is different for most, for them it's the norm. She would take another deployment so that another family didn't have to. Through her doula work she gives back by offering free or discounted services to families who have partners actively deployed or killed in action. 

Once Theresa's husband came home from Afghanistan there was quite an adjustment. It had just been the two of them and now there was a newborn. He had a difficult deployment and needed her in a different way than her baby needed her. It was a rough year as they found their way as a family.

They had decided they were good with one child but then found themselves expecting Jack. Theresa had known that if they had a second child, she would give birth at home and ultimately decided to have a planned unassisted home birth. She dug deep into her doula work and trusted her abilities. She knew this was right for them. 

It was very important that Theresa's husband was hands on with this birth after being overseas with her first. Theresa says that she has never been more in love or attracted to her husband than seeing him catch and hold their baby. This labor was smooth and swift, only 3.5 hours from start to finish. She labored in her tub and gave birth to Jack squatting over the water. Theresa was supported by her husband and close friends including a friend who had just given birth 7 weeks earlier and was there with her baby. She fondly recalls sitting in bed with her friend afterwards nursing their new babies and connecting in a way they never had before. While her pregnancy was easy and her birth serene, Theresa says that Jack put her through her paces by flipping breech at 35 weeks. She's a strong believer in vaginal breech birth and felt that it was a bit of a test but he ended up turning before she went into labor.

Two babes is enough for Theresa. While she could be pregnant and give birth 100 times, she feels like she isn't living up to the mother she'd hoped to be. Living slowly and appreciating everything with Lola felt simpler  but with two very different children she knows she's at her limit. She has found freedom in that, knowing that while there is a sadness with the stages as they are done, she's ready to move on to the next chapter with her children. And, with her work, she can find honor and connection in supporting other women through their pregnancies, births and newly postpartum experiences. She is also able to normalize birth, bodies, and breastfeeding for her children as they see and participate in her work. 

Theresa continued nursing Lola until she was three, the day that she learned she was pregnant with Jack. She had felt done around two but knew her daughter wanted to continue, so she did until she reached her threshold. With Jack nearing two she's feeling those remnants of being touched out again, but wants to continue nursing knowing this is her last breastfeeding experience. 

In supporting women, Theresa often encounters mothers who experience what we all do - some days feeling beautiful, others struggling with our worth. Reveling in motherhood some days and wanting to run away others. She wanted to do this for them and for herself. While Theresa is comfortable being in her underwear or naked, or at the beach, she finds it awkward to look at pictures of herself.  And for her children, especially Lola. She wants her daughter to see her being vulnerable with herself in hopes of building a connection and dialogue around their bodies and their womanhood. She wants Lola to know she can be vulnerable and she can be proud, she doesn't need to hide anything.

Rachel Kelley

The radiant Rachel Kelley, Harriet (4.5) and Ursula (20 months). 

Rachel and her now husband had been planning on getting married and having children but their were still 3-5 years in the future when she conceived Harriet with an IUD in place. Rachel was happy she was in great shape at the time and even swam a mile in the ocean as part of a triathlon when she was 4 weeks pregnant. She was about 10 weeks along when they got the news and decided to just set thing in motion a bit earlier than planned. 

Other than the need to monitor her IUD via ultrasound throughout, Rachel had a very healthy pregnancy. She had been seeing an OB who she'd just happened upon for well woman care but learned that nearly 1/3 of her patients delivered via cesarean and chose to switch to a midwife based practice around 20 weeks. They chose to deliver at a birth center and Rachel remembers being thoroughly comforted by the water. Labor progressed well and when she felt ready to birth, Harriet came out very quickly after only 13 minutes of pushing. Harriet emerged with the cord around her neck but summersaulted out with Rachel's next push and untangled herself. When Rachel birthed her placenta they needed to check it closely to make sure that her IUD came out and she didn't need to have a D&C. Her midwife did have to do a manual sweep which is when she realized Rachel had vasa previa. They still don't know why it wasn't caught on any of her ultrasounds but Rachel feels incredibly lucky that both she and Harriet were able to get through pregnancy and birth without complications as it could have been life threatening. Breastfeeding went very well for them both and Harriet continued to nurse until about 6 months into her pregnancy with Ursula. 

Ursula was very much Rachel's planned baby and they conceived right away, she assumed things would go just as smoothly as with her first. Rachel and her husband both changed jobs when she was around 20 weeks pregnant and at 22-23 weeks she lost her mucous plug. She didn't fully realize what had happened but saw her midwife at a birthing class the next night who examined her. Rachel learned she was 1cm dilated and her cervix was soft, she'd also been having preterm contractions. Her midwife wanted Rachel to go on full bedrest but she was worried about her new job so she tired working part time for a week and then saw her midwives OB who put her on medication and partial bed rest for a month. The contractions continued when she was up and about however, which was their cue to put her on full bed rest for the next 10 weeks. Things weren't quite as planned but Rachel was able to care to term and found support online through facebook groups and Sidelines. She was even able to shift her role at work so she could keep working from home. 

Rachel and her husband had wanted to have a home birth with Ursela but they were living with her mother-in-law at the time who wasn't exactly supportive. They decided to deliver at the birth center again and the day she started to have more intense contractions she thought she'd still have a couple days before things got serious and they needed to go in. She called her midwife who asked her to call back in about 45 minutes but when that time had passed her contractions were so intense that she wasn't able to call her. Rachel's husband was taking a nap with Harriet and also didn't realize how quickly things were moving. She called her midwife after about an hour who encouraged her to go ahead and come in. After hanging up the phone, she had one intense contraction that took her to transition. Rachel grabbed a bunch of towels and as they prepared to go to the parking garage, her water started breaking. Rachel's husband was trying to strap Harriet into the car and call his mom to come help them. His mom said she'd be back soon so they decided to wait and try to get ahold of the midwife again. In the interim, they'd Harriet had gotten out of her car seat and smashed her fingers in the car door, her husband was trying to get someone on the phone and Rachel felt the baby moving down through her pelvis. Her husband called 911, Harriet was crying, and Rachel need to push. In two quick pushes, Ursela came right out, let out a little cry and tried to latch right away. 

All the happy hormones hit Rachel and she realized she had another girl and started telling everyone. Her husband hung up with the paramedics and got through to her midwife who instructed them to go back up stairs to their apartment to deliver her placenta. Rachel had an unexpected lotus birth and her midwife arrived about 20 minutes later. She says it was the most perfect day. She'd had a productive morning, gave birth to her baby just after 5pm, ate some delicious pizza and was in bed with her family by 8pm. 

Breastfeeding has been more of a challenge this time as well. Rachel says that so many of her pregnancy and birth related decisions hinged upon her having successful nursing relationships. They struggled with latch and thrush and she's just getting over a bout of mastitis but is committed to continuing. 

Rachel had repaired a shoulder injury and ab separation after her pregnancy with Harriet through physical therapy and exercise but that was all undone in her time on bedrest. She's recently started working out again and has been able to heal her ab separation a bit and get her shoulder feeling a bit better. She may be a skinny mom but that doesn't mean she's always been healthy or doesn't have to work to cultivate a positive self image. Teaching her girls to love the bodies they're in is a message she wants to pass on. She hopes they can learn to look past people's bodies and look inside to see who a person is. She was excited to lend herself and her story to a movement showing just how many variations of normal there truly are. 

Amanda Moon

The amazing Amanda Moon, Bryleigh (16), Berkleigh (14), Blakeleigh (12), Blaze (10), Blitz (8) and Buzz (9 months). Amanda is also mother to Clover (2002), Bodhi (2010) and Cowboy (2011).

Amanda and her husband, Warren, married when she was 19, he was 20 and they have been together for nearly 22 years. They initially didn't want to have any children at all, however, 6 months after they were married she was diagnosed with and had surgery for endometriosis. After the surgery, her doctor told her that if she ever wanted to have children she should try soon, because one of her ovaries was entirely covered in cysts and she wasn't sure she could get pregnant. Amanda realized she really wanted a baby and they started trying. 10 cycles later she conceived Bryleigh.

Amanda had been on track to be an OBGYN herself but through her pregnancy realized she wanted to have a water birth and chose to deliver with midwives. Unfortunately, she developed preeclampsia and had to be induced the day before she turned 36 weeks. She labored for 20+ hours, in bed while magnesium sulfate and Pitocin battled each other in her body. The only movement she was allowed was to flip from side to side. She couldn't eat or drink and was so thirsty, at one point she had Warren wet a rag in the sink so she could suck the water out of it. She managed all of that, without an epidural and pushed for 46 minutes before she was able to get Bryleigh out after her midwife performed an episiotomy with tears in her eyes. Her baby's heart rate had begun to drop just before she was born and she had to be resuscitated. While they were working on her, Amanda began to hemorrhage badly. She had a sense that everything was going to be fine and was very peaceful amidst the chaos. Her midwife was able to stop her hemorrhage and Bryleigh was fine and able to be put on her chest. They had some breastfeeding struggles due to Amanda's milk coming in late from the magnesium sulfate but they were able to work through it.

Amanda and her husband decided they wanted to have another baby and she just assumed it would take a long time again. However, she got pregnant on their first attempt making her oldest two children just 20 months apart. There were no nurse midwives in the area they were living, so Amanda went to a female OB thinking it would be the next best thing only to find she had no bedside manner. Amanda had a lot of prodromal labor with Berkleigh so she spent a lot of time out walking in the middle of the night and going to the hospital only to be sent home. When she had finally begun to have regular contractions she went to the hospital but was told she wasn't in labor and needed to take a sleeping pill and go home. They made her take the sleeping pill before leaving the hospital so she was out by the time they'd made it home. Warren had to carry her into the house and she woke herself up moaning two hours later to find she had a forebag of waters that had ruptured. They returned to the hospital and to discover the nurses had never before seen a birth plan. She had been laboring on a birthing ball but he nurses kept telling her to get into bed. She lied and told them she had to pee because she couldn't take being on her back anymore. She had a very intense contraction and stood up to her water breaking. As soon as they got her back to bed she pushed Berkleigh out to the nurses screaming "No, No! Don't push! The doctor's not here!" It ended up being a great birth and Berkleigh was absolutely perfect.

When Berkleigh was two months old, Amanda met a midwife and started a traditional midwifery apprenticeship, going to births with her baby in tow and breastfeeding in between. She was in love with babies and birth and really wanted to have another baby and a homebirth herself. Blakeleigh was born at home on a birth ball.Amanda didn't want to get off so she rolled back, someone held her from behind and she pushed her baby out while still on top of the birth ball.

Amanda knew she really wanted to have an unassisted birth with her next baby. She had hemorrhaged with every birth but things calmed down with a shot of Pitocin. Still, Warren was really uncomfortable with and she thought that somehow she could possibly still just make it happen with Blaze. Her labor had begun and the midwives came, but she pretended that labor had stalled and she needed to sleep. You can only do that for so long, though, and when her husband realized she was in active labor he called the midwives back. There was a point when she said she needed some help, meaning she just needed someone to reassure her and tell her she could do it, but the midwife jumped up and shoved her fingers up inside Amanda, held back a lip and broke her water. Amanda says it was so painful she felt like she was dying, it was so intense she couldn't even breathe to tell her to stop. Blaze was born and put on her chest but he was white, looking up at her, but not breathing yet. He was able to get breathing with the help of some blow by oxygen but it was a really shocking birth for them both.

When she got pregnant with Blitz she insisted she was going to have an unassisted birth. All of Amanda's babies had come a bit early so she wasn't overly concerned when she went into labor at 34 weeks, 4 days. She felt that she needed to stay home and had very intense back labor. He stayed very high and would not drop down and her tail bone was moving with each contraction. She got to the point where she wanted to break her own water as she knew he needed to get out quickly. She moved in such a way her water broke and he sunk right down into her pelvis and she pushed him out like a roaring warrior goddess into the water. She caught him and brought him up to chest when they realized his cord was wrapped tightly around his neck, his shoulder, his foot and that between his arm and foot he had a true knot that his positioning had prevented from pulling tighter. She still believes that had they been anywhere but home, Blitz may not have made it. Because of the knot, he started breathing but his muscle tone was very low. They put him on blow by oxygen and he did very well but whenever they tried to take it away his color started to change. They eventually ended up transferring to hospital where he spent 6 days in the NICU. They learned that the knot in his cord was so tight the fluid in his lungs hadn't been expelled and he needed CPAP. The hospital staff were very ugly to Amanda because he had been born at home. Once his breathing issues resolved she asked to take him home but they said he needed to stay to work on feeding. She had been struggling due to the stress but knew she could breastfeed him. They threatened her with CPS but their tone changed when her husband was around. They ultimately signed Blitz out of the hospital against medical advice and the second she got home and sat down on the bed with this, she started dripping with milk and everything was fine.

The month before Amanda had conceived Blakeleigh she was pregnant and had a really early loss. There were only had a few days of joy before she started bleeding but this baby was already very real for her and she was devastated. Her husband didn't know how to react or process it and she felt pressured to just move on when all she wanted was to stay in bed and mourn her loss. They never really had the chance to mourn that baby or name her (Clover) until years later.

Amanda went to a midwifery conference alone in 2010, the first time in nearly a decade that she hadn't been pregnant or breastfeeding. She was dizzy but brushed it off to travel until she got home and realized she was pregnant with Bodhi. She had been spotting but had spotted during other pregnancies so she didn't think much of it and was hopeful that it wasn't anything. Unfortunately, she ultimately miscarried Bodhi in her bathtub at almost 15 weeks. Having made it to the second trimester she thought she was in the clear,  it was an incredibly painful loss.

Amanda's family decided to move after Bodhi's loss, to the mountains in Colorado and she get pregnant again right after they arrived. She had thought they were done having children but had a vision of a baby connected to her with a silver cord and wondered who that was. She was planning another unassisted birth but met another midwife who lived down the street from them in the mountains and decided to work with her. She had been feeling the baby move but had started spotting once again. She felt ill but thought she likely just had a bad urinary tract infection. Amanda began treating herself for a UTI but continued to feel sicker so a few days later she decided to go to the hospital to be checked. One of the first things they did was an ultrasound and learned that at 17.5 weeks the baby didn't have a heart beat. She told them she had done this before and just wanted to go home so they headed back up to the mountains. She needed a day to process and tell the kids and the following day she felt ready to let go. She thought she may need herbs to move things along but she started laboring very intensely and painfully. She finally pushed him out on their bed and he looked perfect but she started hemoraghing. They had send the kids across the street to a neighbors house and she began to realize she was in trouble. The cord had torn and her placenta wasn't coming out. She passed out, lost control of her bowels and vomited. Her body was shutting down and she told Warren to call 911.

A volunteer Fireman showed up first, filthy and unsure what to do. She tried to prompt him to take her blood pressure or do something but he just looked at her horrified. More firefighters came but they to were just standing around and not helping while she was bleeding and bleeding. The paramedics finally came but they seemed to be more worried about logistics than helping. One man insisted she needed to put shorts on and she told him he really needed to see how much she was bleeding. They were talking about how to get her down the stairs when she just pulled enough strength together to walk down herself with Warren's help. She knew her kids were watching from across the road and she wanted to walk out to the ambulance to show them she was going to be fine.

The ambulance driver didn't know how to get to the hospital and the paramedic in back was shaking so badly they couldn't get an IV started and had to pull over on the side of the road. They finally got a small butterfly IV going in her hand but it was not enough with the volume of blood she was losing. She was doing her own fundal pressure because the paramedic was so uncomfortable that there was blood pouring from her vagina he couldn't do anything to help her. The ambulance wouldn't turn on the lights because they didn't want to endanger mountain drivers but she kept telling them she was a midwife and this was bad, they needed to go. Halfway down the mountain she passed out and her husband heard them say, "We lost her, she doesn't have a pulse". Warren's touch and voice, brought her back and they finally turned the lights on. She pushed out a clot that felt like it was the size of a baby and asked the paramedic to look to see if the placenta was in there but once again he wouldn't look. When they arrived at the hospital they were trying to start an IV on her every limb. They couldn't find one due to the amount of blood she'd lost. They pulled Warren out to ask him if Amanda had any religious preferences and asked if there was anyone he wanted to call because she may not make it. They lost her pulse again and she felt like she needed to make a choice if she was going to stay or go. Warren's touch had brought her back again and she remembers looking down at her arm just willing a vein to appear. They were finally able to get a vein in that arm and while all this was happening an OB was between her legs trying to find her placenta and stop her from bleeding. Once she was stable enough they took her to surgery for a D&C and Warren was left not knowing if she'd be okay.

They named that baby Cowboy and soon after everything fell apart. 6 weeks later Warren woke up and had lost the vision in his right eye. He had a detached retina and had to have two surgeries to fix it. Everything felt a mess and they decided soon after they didn't want to live in the mountains anymore. What if something happened to one of the kids and they had to rely on these rescuers again? They moved and she thought her child bearing years were going to end on that note. She almost died though so perhaps she shouldn't have another baby. They went through some more life stuff and they both had this moment of knowing another little soul was ready to come into them.

Being pregnant again felt like such a miracle. At 17 weeks she again had some spotting and thought that she couldn't have gone through all of this to lose another baby. All ended going well and she carried Buzz to 38 weeks, 4 days, longer than she had any of her other babies. She had a 40 hour labor, also longer than any of her other babies and another unassisted birth, in the water. Even though Buzz was taking a long time, she says he was communicating with her the whole time that he was doing well. Pushing him out, catching him with her own hands and putting him on her chest was a wonderfully healing experience for Amanda.

After Buzz was born she realized he was sucking his own lip and she found a severe lip tie. They started having latching issues which she couldn't believe. She'd nursed 5 babies of her own, she'd nursed other women's babies and she'd helped countless other women get started breastfeeding but here they were. He lost one whole pound his first week of life and they took him to an ENT who told them his lip tie wouldn't affect breastfeeding and there was no such thing as posterior tie. She began to have terrible anxiety trying to get him to eat and was really struggling. They finally found a dentist who revised his ties and through pumping, cup and finger feeding and nipple shields for months they finally got everything to fall in line and he's now nursing very well.

Amanda wanted to capture this moment for herself. She has been through so much and she wanted to remember this time with all of her kids and have a snapshot of this moment in their lives where things have eased up and everything is joyful.

Elizabeth Paine

The phenomenal Elizabeth Paine mother to Oliver (7), Holden (34 months), Atticus (17 months) and three babies miscarried  01/2011, 08/2011, and, 12/2011. When Elizabeth and her husband got married she had been very vocal about waiting five years or so to have children. Just a couple months later though, she says she decided it was the best idea ever to have a baby right then. Her husband was on board and they conceived right away. She had a very typical pregnancy with an OB but had some difficulty with her doctor. She took a hypnobirthing class and was adamant on having a natural birth and having her plan followed but when she asked for support she told her whatever happens, happens. She knew then that she didn't want that doctor to be there when she delivered. Thankfully, when she went into labor, on labor day that year at 40 weeks 6 days, she wasn't the doctor on call. 

Elizabeth went to the hospital to be checked but they told her to go walk the 5 miles around the bay and come back. She chose to instead to go home where her water broke in her driveway just as she stepped out of the car. She went to take a shower before returning to the hospital and met with the doctor on call who was amazing. The new doctor was fully on board with her birth plan and said she would everything she could to make it happen. Elizabeth had arrived at 3 in the afternoon and things moved very quickly. Her doctor was supposed to leave at 5pm but Elizabeth asked her to please not leave her, she agreed to stay and Oliver arrived at 5:08pm. The doctors calm, sweet and respectful demeanor allowed her birth to be a beautiful experience.

Breastfeeding was very difficult in the beginning and the lactation support in hospital was very much lacking and didn't give her the tools to make it work. She went home pumping and bottle feeding before she hired a lactation consultant near her home. After three hours they had figured everything out with the help of a nipple shield. They were able to wean off the shield at about 6 months and he self weaned at 37 months.

In late 2010, Elizabeth felt ready to have more children but struggled to understand how exactly her love would grow to more than her one child she'd been caring for. She got pregnant right away but in January 2011 she woke up to blood everywhere. She got cleaned up and went to the hospital where the emergency doctor was horrible to her. She was sobbing and devastated and he told her that his wife bled like a stuck pig through her whole pregnancy, it wasn't a big deal. He kept insisting that she needed to call someone and perhaps her husband should be there as if she was too emotional to talk to. Blood tests and ultrasounds revealed she was miscarrying and she was sent home with orders to come back for follow up blood work. She felt like no one cared or respected her in the hospital as if she wasn't allowed to process her baby dying.

They waited a few months before trying again and she conceived right away but at 8 weeks along she woke up again bleeding. She chose not to go the emergency room and instead went into her doctors office where she experienced the same treatment she had last time. They told her that she was only 8 weeks along so it wasn't really a big deal but to her it absolutely was, she was loosing her baby and felt like she was dying inside. Elizabeth was pregnant again the beginning of December and on the 23rd she miscarried again. That whole Christmas was awful and she couldn't understand how she was supposed to walk around and continue her life when so many things were going wrong.

She needed to know what was happening with her body and fix it but her doctor told her she would be just fine. Elizabeth found a reproductive endocrinologist and went to go see him. This was the first doctor that she had felt safe with in so long. He reaffirmed her belief that there were good doctors with empathy who cared for people. He listened to her and took notes without trying to take away what she was feeling. He ran every test he could, blood work and ultrasounds, only to find out that there was actually nothing medically wrong and they didn't know this was happening to her. She was left in a position where she couldn't fix anything and didn't know how to process it.

They decided to try one more time and if it didn't work, she wanted to have a full hysterectomy, adopt of just be a family of three. She was determined but it was so sad and she just hated her body, a stark contrasts for the love she felt for her body when she was pregnant with Oliver. She says its so hard when you hate your body because you're always with it. Elizabeth wanted to find a way to have her babies always with her and decided to get a tattoo on her back to keep them close. Because they aren't here with her she needed them to always be a part of her. That appointment was more therapeutic for her than any appointment had ever been. Her tattoo is the pregnancy loss symbol and part of a quote from EE Cummings that reads "I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)". She has a lot of guilt because she couldn't do anything to stop it and felt like she wasn't a good mom for a very long time.

Elizabeth's babies she lost were her catalyst to send her back to school. She needed something to throw herself into to consume her time. She was working and going to school full time as a way to escape and cope. She readied herself to try one last time and became pregnant again with Holden quickly. She enjoyed her pregnancy but found herself every day checking for bleeding and waiting for things to be not okay. She decided to have midwives this time and to give birth at home. She wanted to be in her space where she knew she would be safe, but also be in her home where she had lost her babies to have it all connected somehow. She didn't find out what she was having as she just wanted to have a baby at the end of it and focused on just getting from one day to the next. She lost a lot of the joy that should have come with baby because she so consumed with worry. Holden was born on December 23, exactly one year after her last miscarriage. His birth was a sigh of relief for her. Her midwives had come to check on her but her labor had slowed so they left her to labor. She went to lay down and about two hours after they left her water broke in bed. As she jumped up, his head was out and she yelled for her husband to help. He didn't hear her so she yelled again and held her baby in. He came running upstairs and caught Holden in one push. She couldn't stop laughing and there was something about that birth happening just she and her husband, in their bedroom that was so therapeutic. It didn't make the pain any less but there was something about that birth - she had waited so long for him and couldn't say thank you to him enough.

When Holden was 7 months old, she had that feeling of just knowing she was pregnant. She took a test that confirmed and reached out to her midwives to have another home birth. Her midwives told her they were never leaving her this time but nothing else would be different. She had a a great pregnancy but was very busy as she went to school full time with a heavy course load. She had worried about having to wean Holden but he happily nursed through her whole pregnancy and is tandem nursing both Holden and Atticus today. At 41 weeks 5 days she went in for an ultrasound to make sure things were okay and felt a little funny that day. Everything look great and her midwives met her at her house when she returned. Around 11pm that evening she felt like something was definitely happening and she labored through the night. She sat up quickly on the couch and her water broke everywhere and his head was already out. Her husband was sleeping upstairs so her midwives asked if they should go get him and she asked for a moment. She took her moment and Atticus was earth side and crying. Her husband ran down stairs and she had to say, surprise! he's already here! They realized when Atticus was 45 minutes old that they hadn't even checked if he was a boy or a girl.

Holden and Atticus' births were wonderful and everything she had imagined birth would be. There was something about giving birth at home, where she had her miscarriages that allowed her to see that maybe her body wasn't as awful as she had thought, maybe she should focus on the things that it could do and maybe she could finally forgive herself. People have a hard time understanding why she feels she needs to forgive herself but she is trying very hard to do so. At the end of the day she just wants her boys to be proud of her and to see herself as they see her. She wants her boys to know how lucky she is to have them and some day think, "wow, my mom was really brave for sharing her story". She's trying very hard to love her body because... to raise feminist boys, and see that she is the one responsible for shaping their views on women and know they don't need to look one particular way or feel bad because of the way their body looks.

Rachael Van Sickle

The radiant Rachael Van Sickle with her children Jude (3.5), Miriam (14 months) and Ephraim (1 month).

Rachel became pregnant with her first while she and her now husband were still engaged which she says was a big deal for their family. Her pregnancy went well and she chose to deliver at home with a certified nurse midwife. The birth went well but she says there were a couple of things the midwife did during her labor and delivery that she wasn't happy with. Breastfeeding was quite a struggle and very painful at first but she was able to work through it. Rachel had another healthy pregnancy with Miriam and this time chose to have an unassisted birth at home which went well. She was quite surprised to find she was pregnant again when Miriam was just 4 months old. She had a lot of prenatal depression and found it very difficult to connect with her body and baby. She didn't want to acknowledge the signs of her pregnancy and didn't allow even her husband to touch her growing belly. About midway through her pregnancy, things improved and she delivered at home without assistance once again. Rachael hemorrhaged after Ephraim's birth but was able to get things under control without the need to transfer to hospital. Through becoming a mother herself, Rachael says that she has fallen in love with motherhood as a whole and has recently started midwifery training as a means of supporting woman through their pregnancies, births and motherhood journeys.