Kelly Maxwell (38), Jonas Arturo (6), and Paloma Elise (2.5 weeks)
Muscatine, Iowa | Photographed in Madison, WI
Kelly shares -
"I was lucky to have two healthy pregnancies and to have birthed two healthy babies.
{Parenthood} has made me more aware of my thoughts about my body and attitudes that are deeply ingrained despite my conscious beliefs. I am a performer; I do improv comedy and community theatre and I sing with a few bands, so I spend time in front of crowds and am normally very comfortable in that space. With this pregnancy, as my body grew larger (much faster than with my first pregnancy), I noticed that I began to feel more and more self-conscious and uncomfortable being looked at. And even though I understood it to be a bit absurd, I felt almost ashamed.
My daughter was born very recently, just 2 weeks ago, so I am currently in the midst of a fresh postpartum experience. It has been much easier this time around. With my first child, Jonas, I was left shocked and moderately traumatized by a painful two-day labor at home ending with a rush to the hospital and an urgent cesarean. For the first few weeks with him I felt dazed and anxious, with a sense of unreality. Tears leaked uncontrollably. I was sure I wasn't making enough milk. I was afraid all the time that he was going to die.
With Paloma, after much deliberation we decided in my 35th week of pregnancy to schedule a c-section, and it immediately felt like the right decision. I felt empowered by my previous experience and fully supported by my wonderful husband and doctors in whatever choice I made. Most importantly, I felt emotionally prepared to accept changes to my plan. My water broke two days before our scheduled date, and we calmly/excitedly went to the hospital and proceeded with the surgery, just earlier than expected. I have been feeling many swells of gratitude and joy, warm love for my baby girl, weariness and anger with the physical pain of recovery, loneliness, giddiness, and loss of personal identity from being away from the stage and my improv/music family. I am impatient to feel at ease in my body again.
I sought out and found some lovely, real images of pregnant and postpartum bodies when I was struggling with self-confidence in this pregnancy, and those images were helpful and very moving. Also, I feel proud and full and happy taking up space with this body right now; I want to declare it and share this fleeting, powerful moment with other people and my future self. I also think it will be a good experience for my son to see me feeling proud and comfortable in my body, and to see himself included in that image.
Be present. Look deeply into your baby's eyes often. Trust yourself, trust your baby, and let your people help you.